the yes and no of emptiness

This angry heart of mine...

2011-12-13T20:42:00.000-08:00

Yeah...songs seem to still be speaking my words...one day I'll find my own again.

Loved this show and was so disappointed when it was cancelled before the first season ended...

Somewhere...

2011-10-24T21:20:00.000-07:00

The darkness is hard...and it gets dark so early these days...

"Nobody wants to go it on their own

And everyone wants to know they're not alone

There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there
Nobody wants to be the last one there
Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there..."

You'd think I'd learn

2011-10-19T12:39:00.000-07:00

And it happens again...

"I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do."

Here I go again...

2011-10-15T08:14:00.000-07:00

I think God speaks loudest to me through music...even the music of big hair bands of the 80's.

"I don't know where I'm goin
but I sure know where I've been
hanging on the promises in songs of yesterday.
An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time
but here I go again, here I go again.

Tho' I keep searching for an answer
I never seem to find what I'm looking for.
Oh Lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on
'cos I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams.

Here I go again on my own
goin' down the only road I've ever known.
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone.
An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time.

Just another heart in need of rescue
waiting on love's sweet charity
an' I'm gonna hold on for the rest of my days
'cos I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams....."

yes and no high and low

2011-09-26T13:45:00.000-07:00

Today...this past week...has been moments and days of the yes and the no of emptiness...

This rollercoaster ride of life is getting old.

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel not good enough?
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction, oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless, and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an Angel, fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference, escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of an Angel, far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

While I breathe, I hope...

2011-09-14T23:18:00.000-07:00

"To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making to find a companion through whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be."

And so, while I breathe, I hope.

I hope can hold out. It would be so easy to apease the loneliness, to be happy with a kind man who loved and accepted the me I am today...never pushing me to reach beyond my current self to become the the person I desire to be. It would be so easy to live that life.

But I don't want easy. I want the kind of love that "is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds." (N Sparks)

I pray I have the strength to stand my ground in the calm assurance that God is working in my best interest; that He brings me that man who doesn't let me settle into the gentle and loving arms of complacency, that He brings me the man with who we can together reach for becoming who we are destined to be.

**September 24, 2011 update**
The more I think about this, I am beginning to realize that easy scares me. The constant pushing for something more (transform my body, study, write the screenplay/novel, start the website, create a Forging Faith and Fitness business) is a way to keep myself busy. And when I am not busy, right now in my life, I panic. I say I thrive on chaos, but in reality it is only because that is what I know...a stressful chaotic life is the only life I have ever lived. How can I trust something I don't know? Peace? Easy? To me that sounds like walking on eggshells. But you know what? I think I may try this kind of enjoying life with ease and happiness thing. Maybe instead of finding someone who pushes me, I should look for someone who just wants to love me and be with me. Tell you the truth that sounds like a great big weight lifted off of my shoulders...not always having to be some idea of who I should be, not trying to live up to some high ideals, just be me..right now.

Well, after I get my personal training certfication, and after I finish my screenplay, and after I get my body where I want it to be...LOL!

September Blues...

2011-09-11T21:41:00.000-07:00

Sundays are some days too long...
Too much reminder of what I long for...
       someone by my side when I wake
       someone's hand in mine at church
       spending the afternoon watching football, laughing, long walks, heartfelt talks...
Too many secrets, half truths, and carefully guarded words
Too many unanswered prayers
Too much hope unrequited
Too much emptiness
Just too much.

Wake me up when September's gone...

"Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends."

bittersweet

2011-08-28T22:06:00.000-07:00

Guess I've got love on my mind...or its absence...

Get More: 2011 VMA, Music, Adele

"Nothing compares, no worries or cares.
Regret's and mistakes they're memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remembered you said:
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"

How to love

2011-08-27T18:27:00.000-07:00

Seems like it should be easy...knowing how...knowing when...

Right out of the blue

2011-08-17T18:20:00.000-07:00

I'm back to listing to country music again, and that only means one thing. As Jerry Jeff walker says,

"When I'm real high I play rock'n'roll

I play country when I'm losing control

I don't play Chuck Berry quite as much as I'd like

I feel like Hank Williams tonight."

The sadness is back, and I have to admit I liked the R & B blasting, window down, wind blowing, get the He!! out of my way anger better. It may have been a smoke screen, but I am more comfortable with anger than I am sorrow.

Why when one person says good-bye do I feel the pain of all the good-byes?

Live your life. Be happy. Find your passion. Look on the bright side. Just let them go. Have faith. Trust God, He loves you. Humph. Advice offered like candy from a stranger. But my parents taught me well and I'm not biting. Some things are easier said than done.

I just want my mom. Or a long steady hug. To be in the presence of someone where for just a second I don't have to be strong.

No more

2011-07-30T19:10:00.000-07:00

No more waiting for my destiny to come knocking on my door. Time to make choices, to take chances, to grab ahold of joy like it's a long lost friend and this time to never let go. Time to run headlong into tomorrow. No regrets. No hesitation. No one else can speak the words on my lips.

"Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten.”

47 down.
A lifetime to go.

With one more look at you...

2011-07-22T12:08:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday, Mom.

I miss you everyday, and without you, it is as though I no longer have a home.

"With one more look at you

I might overcome the anger

That I learned to know

Find a piece of mind I lost so long ago..."

Recent conversation…

2011-07-17T14:25:00.000-07:00

Them: “What do you like to do?”
Me: (Shrug…) I don’t know. Working out. (I mentally shake my head and roll my eyes at myself.)
Them: (Nods...then adjusts the radio dial to find some music. Thank God.)

Working out, because, you know, I can admit that interest. What else was I supposed to say? That I spend most of my spare time sitting in my family room watching music videos, alternating between CMT and MTV Hits, while surfing on facebook, and feeling guilty that I’m not studying or working on my new website or calling friends or walking the dog? That I like blogging, reading, listening to music, walking barefoot on the beach.

I sound like a fricken’ middle class, middle aged cliché.

My interests even bore me. But, of course, those aren’t my only interests. They are only the ones that are acceptable to blurt out in the front seat of a car with a guy you hardly know trying to fill the silence at a time when chit chat wasn’t even really necessary but seemed good form.

I wonder what the conversation would have sounded like if I admitted my secret passions, my true fears, if I revealed my authenticity without censoring it because the desire wasn’t appropriate (appropriate for my age, gender, social acceptability…)?

But I can’t do that now, can I?

Because I’d rather be judged on the façade I present to the world, rather than on who I really am. Hurts less then when you’re rejected, because if people don’t really know me, then when they reject me I can still hold onto the idea that I’d be liked/accepted “if only they knew the real me…”

Because if you share everything and are rejected, well that’s personal.

Melinda

“Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation. ~Oscar Wilde, De Profundis, 1905

So, you know what? This is something I like right now. It probably isn't "age appropriate" but screw that. Take me or leave me.

God and I

2011-07-10T12:30:00.000-07:00

We aren't very close right now, and it bothers me that it doesn't bother me as much as I think it should.

I've turned my back on a lot of things these days...

These days

2011-06-24T19:52:00.000-07:00

What am I feeling? I have realized it is reflected in two things; the music I listen to, and the way I drive.

There seems to be a song for every thought...for every emotion. So much to say, but I can't find the words to say it better that what has already been said.

Want to know what I'm feeling? This is where you'll find it ~ Songs that speak my soul

And the driving? Fast. Aggressive. Music loud. Window down. Stay out of my way.

Peace. Yeah...right.

Unspeakable

2011-05-24T17:33:00.000-07:00

Breakfast of cheesy grits and other Southern fare to the glory filled sounds of Gospel Brunch at the House of Blues. Sunshine. Music on the radio. Blended mochas. Texts from new friends, wishing me a blessed day. Possibilities on the horizon; stretched out before me, never so obvious with the borders of my world the sky, the sea, the sand and long reaching pier. Blessed joy should be radiating from me like I was golden. But always, underneath it all is that damn sorrow, my belly tight as though protecting my heart from another blow. And all it takes is a simple song on the radio and I’m lying on the beach in the sunshine with tears trailing salt down my cheek. Oh, Lord, please, take away this sadness. Let my happiness not have to be pretend.

I am tired of being disappointed.
I am tired of being sad.
I am tired of gritting my teeth in anger that longs to be shouted.
I am tired of always having to be strong, and afraid of not always being strong.
I am tired of love that cannot be expressed.
I am tired of being homesick for a home that doesn’t exist.
I am tired of missing people...and myself.
I am tired of having words inside me, fluttering their precious wings like birds trapped forever in a cage, with no hope of being released.
I am tired of believing that the best is yet to come if I just continue to trust and be patient.
I’m tired of who I have let myself become.

Screw all of that. Time for a change.

I don’t know what that change will look like, but it doesn’t look like my life as it is right now. All I know is that I long for joy. The kind of joy I can “pull over my head and wear like an old soft sweatshirt whenever I need it, for as long as I need it.”

Wherever that is, it isn’t here. The things I thought could bring me joy these past three years were a mirage that never materialized. I don't understand why God would give me a glimpse of what life - and love - could look like, only to say "yes, this is possible, but not for you." I've searched for some rational meaning, but I’ve given up believing God always has a purpose. Sometimes it is just life fucking with you…or just my own insecurities, fears, and hopeful optimism once again getting the better of me.

So, time to fight back. Time to stop being a victim of my choices. And yes, even though I’ve let myself believe I have had no control, that was a lie. I can always choose my attitude. I can always choose how to respond (or whether to respond.) I can call the shots in my own life.

I’ve said good-bye before, and I’ll say it again. Am I going offline completely? No, as I described in my post Taking a break I have the FB page Strength for the Journey; Forging Faith and Fitness, and a new website in the works for faith and fitness topics and inspiration. Will I be back here? Probably, every time I try to leave words start begging me to write them down. But, this personal journey/journal of self discovery hasn’t led to any positive change over the past several years, it just keeps circling like a train on track to nowhere, making stops at places called pity and hope, and useless advice and just as useless desires. Time to jump the track.

It took traveling clear across the country for the truth to slap me in the face.

It is time for me to fly.

Pray for me, these wings of mine are weary.

No more mind games

2011-05-13T21:35:00.000-07:00

Today I rediscovered scented, tinted lip gloss. I rubbed my lips together, tasted the sweetness and was instantly transported back 20 (25…) years to a warm summer morning with nothing ahead of me but a trip to the river.

Lip gloss…a two dollar and fifty cent time machine.

It was a good day.

I woke before the alarm and lie in bed remembering something I read yesterday about self-fulfilling prophesies and how we can limit ourselves by not expecting more. I do that. I cradle my wishes, careful to not let my prayers escape beyond MY ideas of reasonableness, protective of their possibilities, limiting their potential.

I rose, wondering what my life would look like if I actually wished for what I truly desired ~ if I didn’t disrespect God by tempering my prayers?

And as I updated my FB page and browsed the news feed these statuses were like exclamation points to my thoughts ~

“EXPECT the impossible to happen.

Not the possible w/ hard work...the IMPOSSIBLE!”

“Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end.” Eccles. 3:11 – Keep pursuing your dreams no matter where you are in life. Don’t regret that you hadn’t started sooner. All you’ve been through has prepared YOU for this moment. YOU ARE READY."

And you know what? I am ready. (I’m gonna say it again!) I AM READY. Despite the fact that there are things God has planned for me that I am blindly – and faithfully - preparing for, there are some things that are only being limited by my insecurities. God has been guiding, nudging, shoving, and I have been holding onto my comfort zone with all my might, and trust me, I am strong and mighty when it comes to holding myself back.

But you know what? I am letting go.

Let go and let God. I say that all the time. Now it’s time to walk the walk. I AM READY. I used to think 40 was too old to start over, but it was just my beginning. God’s timing is always perfect. And my time is NOW. No more mind games. No more limiting myself. No more tempering my prayers. When God’s got my back, all things are possible. So, watch out…here I come!

Melinda

"You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream."

C. S. Lewis

I will not say goodbye

2011-05-09T11:16:00.000-07:00

I heard someone say on a television show the other day that you will eventually stop grieving when someone you love leaves you...but you will never stop feeling sad.

I understand.

So many people have gone...I miss them.

missing you

2011-04-27T21:16:00.000-07:00

For anyone missing someone they love...

I miss you so much, mom. I wish I had the opportunity to know you woman to woman... There are so many times I long to drive over to your house, sit at the kitchen table drinking tea, eating our endless meals of hors'devours, and talking until the morning sun began to lighten the sky. There is so much I wish I had someone to talk about! I could tell you anything without worrying you'd judge me...such a rare and precious love we had. And that kind of unconditional love and acceptance doesn't come around everyday...some people never get it...I was so lucky to have you!

I miss so much...those nights staying up with you; the thoughtful discussions, the uncontrollable laughter that we tried so hard to contain so we wouldn't wake up dad, our movie nights, trips to Freddies when we needed to get out of the house, the endless rearranging of furniture, your crazy hats and outfits! Thinking of it all just makes me smile. So many memories I wouldn't trade for the world.

I just wish I had one more night.... wish I hadn't let life keep me away.

I love you. Always and forever.

Love, your roo.

Conversation with God, 2

2011-04-22T22:28:00.000-07:00

It’s been a long year. Days of weariness, nights empty…
   I won’t let go.
I had hoped for so much more…and sometimes, oh sometimes I can see a glimpse of sunshine through the darkness, but most of the time I feel lost…
   I won’t let go.
…and alone.
   I won’t let go.
And if I let myself, if I let down my guard, I wonder…is this moment, right now, what the rest of my life is going to be? And if it is late, and I am tired, and there is no one to talk to, and there is never…rarely…anyone to talk to, I go to bed fearing that is true.
   I won’t let go.
In those dark times, I cradle my faith in your love…
   I won’t let go.
…I grasp tightly to what I believe to be true…but I am never strong enough, and the darkness pulls the faith through my tightly clenched fists…until I am grasping at fragments of your love, of what I want to believe.
   I won’t let go.
And sometimes…it is easier…safer…to let go...to not believe.
   I won’t let go.
Sometimes I pretend I have no destiny, pretend that true love is a lie, pretend that nothing I have ever believed about you is true and that I have been a fool all this time...that life is what you can get, and, dang it, I can make it alone.
   I won’t let go.
And I push you away.
   I won’t let go.
I push hard.
I don’t want you.
I don’t need you.
I can make it fine without you.
   I won’t let go.
I'm trying to be strong. I don’t want to need you. I don’t want to love you.
   There is nothing you can do, to make me love you any less.
   I won’t let go.
I WON'T love you…anymore.
   I love you.
....Oh, Lord, I am not worthy of your love.
   I won't let go.
I am so weary.
   I am here.
I won’t let go.

I Won't Let Go (CMT Invitation Only) - Rascal Flatts - Rascal Flatts Videos

God bless,

Melinda

Lay down my heart

2011-04-16T07:04:00.001-07:00

Some songs make waking up early on a Saturday morning worth it.

Still...

2011-04-08T20:30:00.000-07:00

“The absence of what could be fills me, and I am awed at how I can be consumed by something that never even existed. It is as though I am haunted by a ghost of unconsummated possibilities.”

In the stillness of my heart whispers desire, a glimpse of what I long for…someone to go on walks with, go to church with, workout with, pray with, ride bikes, hike, take road trips, and cheer at ball games with, someone to laze around in bed with on Sunday afternoons, talking of tomorrows, sharing dreams and sorrows, to grow old with, to wake beside each and every day with joyful thanks and praise, to enjoy life... That's what I want.

Sometimes, in moments of weakness and indignant lack of faith, I fear I am willing to accept a substitute.

But, I won’t settle.

I want the fairy tale.

And somewhere out there is someone who wants all of that too. With me. I don’t know who it is, but God does.

I am willing to wait.

God gave me the desires of my heart and they aren't meant to be compromised.

Moments of goodness

2011-04-05T13:10:00.000-07:00

My parents anniversary would have been this week. And, while there were a lot of bad times in their marriage...and more hurt than love...it wasn't all bad.

There were moments of goodness. They may have been overshadowed by the bad, and they may have been too insignificant to be able to ressurect the love, but that doesn't mean they didn't exist.

Perhaps this was one of them.

Love you, mom and dad.

Miss you.

trusting...again

2011-04-03T10:53:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed that sometimes God’s answers seem to take forever in arriving, and you pray and pray for something day after day and all you hear is, “Trust me. Trust me. Trust me” so often that you finally decide to take matters into your own hand? That happened to me this month. It had been brewing, this discontent, this hardening in my heart, this impatience and thinking of words akin to “screw love, obviously it’s not in the cards for me” but in words not quite so nice and I set my mind to taking the next best thing. And you know what? I wasn’t sorry about it. It was when I wrote the post “Doin’ Alright”. I felt God was still beside me, despite the fact I doubted His advice. Despite the fact that I was ignoring his whisper to trust Him, that my day was going to come.

And okay, I admit my thoughts weren’t very honorable. But heck, I am an adult, right? And, I admit my decisions weren’t necessarily what I really wanted…in fact they were just a substitute to what I did hope for…what I did pray for. But that felt good enough, especially if that was all I was going to get.

So, have you ever noticed that sometimes God’s answers seem to take forever in arriving? But sometimes, sometimes the answer comes immediately. And these were answers to questions I wasn’t even asking. Remember, I was taking things into my own hands. I was done asking. Of course He found a way to give me his answer anyway, to thwart my plans. And His answer was something like, “Better think again.” And despite my determination and preparation, He did all He could to show me that His no was set in stone. The choice was taken from my hand. And I mean literally, the choice was removed from my presence. Completely.

And all I can do is smile.

See, He said no, but He also asked me to continue trusting Him for the yes…the yes to the answers of my prayers. And He didn’t just take the choice and ask me to trust blindly, He gave me a glimpse of what was worth waiting for.

I admit, there have been moments of distrust this past week, moments when I wanted to chalk every circumstance up to mere coincidence. Yesterday was like that. See, I wrote these words above several days ago…days when my trust in God’s hand in my life felt strong. But then, with one moment of disappointment ~ disappointment in something I wasn’t even sure of ~ the weakness of my trust was revealed. Ever notice how disappointment isn’t based on the significance of what you are anticipating? It hurts the same whether the transgression is large or small, and even whether the transgression is real or imagined.

How weak my trust must be if I let an imagined wronging turn me away from God, on the verge of convincing myself that coincidences are just random acts of serendipity. That God has absolutely nothing to do with the occurrences in my life. Those thoughts were teasing me…torturing me...as I went to bed last night.

When I woke this morning, I turned on the television, and heard these words of Psalm 107:28-31.

Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble,

and he brought them out of their distress.

He stilled the storm to a whisper;

the waves of the sea were hushed.

They were glad when it grew calm,

and he guided them to their desired haven.

Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love

and his wonderful deeds for mankind.

When did Jesus ask them to trust? In the midst of the storm. In the midst. He didn’t calm the storm first. When they cried out to the Lord, he brought them out of their distress ~ and THEN He stilled the storm. And so, as anxiety wracks my body and my mind swirls with angst, it is then I must trust Him. First. Not after He calms the storm. If I only trusted after He calmed the storm where would the faith be?

So, today, when I feel the urge to take matters into my own hands I will instead raise them to the Lord, as I cry out in my distress, trusting.

Today, I will trust first with the belief that whatever He has in store for me is worth waiting for.

With peace (for now at least...)

Melinda

the yes and no

2011-04-02T16:11:00.000-07:00

the yes ~

took some swimsuit pics for my bodyspace because, you know, there was no sense wasting a day of looking good (all dressed up with no place to go...lol..) and realized the working out and eating clean is paying off. Looks like I'm gonna need to shop for some two piece suits for the end of May.

the no ~

disappointment sucks...

66 degrees

2011-04-01T22:50:00.000-07:00

The sun may have had something to do with it. Or the fact that I went into work at noon; spent the morning lounging, leisurely updating my FB ministry page and reading comments from readers, watching a good light hearted movie, dressing for casual Fridays in new (used) black jeans, my Sperry Top Siders and a new VS t-shirt (on sale 2 for $25!), then running a few errands that included finally making it to the local GNC store the first week of the month for protein mix when I can take advantage of their member discount. Those things may have contributed to my good mood.

Or perhaps it was the sunshine. Something unfamiliar around here lately, as I think it rained 28 or 29 days in March.

Or perhaps it was the anticipation of this weekend.

Or all of that combined.

I just hope it continues. I want this feeling to last, and I know myself well enough to know that by Sunday night it likely will have faded. The reality is that keeping myself psyched for life is sometimes difficult alone.

For example, I feel amazingly blessed by my FB ministry page and the vision I have to further extend its reach. But you know what would be even better? To have someone to share it with, someone to share ideas, someone to share the vision with.

And church. Just like it’s hard to get up every day and motivate myself to workout, it is hard to motivate myself to go to church every Sunday. I want someone to share those things with; someone to workout with and to push each other for one more rep, someone to sit with at church and to pray together.

It is kind of like the solo vocations I have been taking. I feel strong and independent venturing out alone but sometimes in my travels I want to say, “Hey, isn’t that cool?” to someone. And I want someone who years later we can say to each other, “remember when we…”

I am honored that God believes I am strong enough to be alone…I am blessed that He gave me the strength and motivation to keep working out day after day these past three years on my own…I feel empowered knowing I am no longer a quitter.

But I am weary too…

But I’ve come too far and trusted too long to give up on God now.

I know He has my best interests at heart, and He will bring me what I need. I just have to wait until it’s His time. Until then, I will work out, plan vacations, praise the days of sunshine and discounts, let yesterdays joys and blessings go so I can accept the new, and walk bravely towards my destiny.

With love and peace,

Melinda

“If we try to resist loss and change or to hold onto blessings and joy belonging to a past which may drop away from us, we postpone all the new blessings awaiting us at a higher level and find ourselves left in a barren, bleak winter of sorrow and loneliness.” Hannah Hurnard

by faith

2011-03-27T21:46:00.000-07:00

I don’t know why I watched it. They lost someone tonight on Army Wives. I almost didn’t turn it on, knowing what was coming, because shows such as this just remind me of my losses.

But I did. I watched with eyes full of tears and sobs tightening my chest. Perhaps I watched because I know firsthand that life is a revolving door in which people enter and leave our lives.

Because of the losses, because I fear when the shoe will drop…and because I always expect it’s just around the corner, I tend to cut my losses, keeping myself at a distance, taking control from God’s hand, making what I believe is evitable a certainty.

“For too long I have tried to dance one beat ahead of time, yet deep inside an ancient song sings to this soul of mine and told me not to be afraid of things that shadow me. In facing them at last, I will be free.” (Sheila Walsh)

But I am afraid of things that shadow me ~ afraid of that shadow being so ominous it foreshadows the loss of happiness and love I hope to experience in the future.

Thus, tonight, I am tempted to mourn the loss of those who have yet to leave my life…tempted to bid farewell now ~ to sever ties before they can be severed by destiny. I am tempted to make the loss my decision, rather than to trust God for my future. For it is He who has brought each individual into my life, and while I focus on the whys, and search for a rhyme or reason for each meeting, rarely is the why explained. I want the why. I want the certainty that one day the love will endure and the loss won't appear at my door.

But, He brings us what ~ and who ~ we need, and it is He who knows the purpose, and He who measures the amount of time they remain with us. And we must trust.

“In her deeply comforting devotional book, Jesus Calling, missionary Sarah Young writes this, which she believes came right from the heart of God:

From your limited human perspective, it may look as if I’m mismanaging things. But you don’t know what I know or see what I see. If I pulled back the curtain to allow you to view heavenly realms you would understand much more. However, I have designed you to live by faith and not by sight.” (Sheila Walsh)

And so I will continue to love despite my fear that loss is inevitable, just as I watched the show tonight when I knew what was coming. I will continue to love even though at times my heart is cringing, expecting the shoe to drop ~ the good-bye to arrive, the loss to occur. I will stop severing ties before their time. I will love as if happily ever after really does exist. I will trust without question. I will let God lead without dancing one beat ahead.

With God's peace,

Melinda

“Every experience God gives us, every person he puts in our lives, is the perfect preparation for the future that only he can see.” Corrie Ten Boom

Spring Cleaning

2011-03-20T14:28:00.000-07:00

I spent this weekend cleaning. Not my favorite thing. But as I said in previous posts, I feel as though I am preparing. I am not sure what exactly it is I am preparing for...my future is so uncertain...but I want to be ready for whatever God has destined for me. So, whether or not I decide to put the house up for sale this year, or wait for a better market; or whether I want to make sure the house is guest worthy, or just because it is nice for me alone, the reason didn't matter. What mattered was two long days (I started Friday night) of cleaning...and scrounging through my garage for items of decor (old shelves to declutter my DVDs, some crockery of mom's, family pictures) plus a trip to Pier One (amazing what an accent pillow can do for a room!)...and my house feels....warmer. More like a home.

The room where I spend most of my waking hours.

Now when I read in the bath, I can do it by candle light.

"Begin each day with a grateful heart."

A nice reminder as I get ready each morning.

"The ache for home lives in all of us,

the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned."

Maya Angelou

One of those moments

2011-03-20T14:14:00.000-07:00

Ever have one of those moments...the kind you want to hang on to for the rest of your life? The kind you recognize in the moment, without shrugging it off as ordinary, knowing right then, right there, that moment was going to change your life. It feels like coming home, like dancing in the street, like a smile you can't stop smiling, like the sun on your face, you know you can't trust it but you rush headlong into it anyway, like a forever anticipated long safe embrace, like a close your eyes- am I in heaven - heavy sigh...

I want one of those moments for the rest of my life.

"I’m really tryna make it more than what it is, cuz everybody dies but not everybody lives!
I wish that I could have this moment for life, for life, for life
Cuz in this moment I just feel so alive, alive, alive.
This is my moment, I waited all my life I can tell its time
drifting away I’m one with the sunsets, I have become alive.
I wish that I could have this moment for life, for life, for life
Cuz in this moment I just feel so alive, alive, alive..."

Doin' Alright

2011-03-18T19:56:00.000-07:00

Friday night. 7:20 pm.
And I am doin' alright.
Not perfect. Not full of joy. But alright.
I can feel sorrow…and longing
Dancing at the edges of my resolve
Like the dark clouded sky I drove into on the way home tonight.
But the sun behind me,
The kind words behind me,
The…possibilities…behind me,
Are like a rainbow in full sight,
Leading me home, giving me hope.
Hope that even though I have sorrow tugging on my heart
God is here,
With the promise that no matter what lies before me,
I will be alright.
And I smile.

This time...

2011-03-12T10:50:00.000-08:00

Another cold and wet day in Oregon.
Dang, after 40 odd years it's getting old.

"I've been sitting, watching life pass from the sidelines
Been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds
I wondered what might happen if I left this all behind
Would the wind be at my back
Could I get you off my mind
This time."

Perhaps this time...

Quickly

2011-03-11T19:24:00.000-08:00

The pictures were devastating, as though it was disaster movie of the upcoming end of the world, rather than reality. But it was reality. The earthquake was the largest recorded in Japan. The tsunami that followed moved at 500 miles per hour, ripping through towns in its wake. Homes were swallowed as the water moved six miles inland. Cars look like toys as they were swept away. A giant vortex of water swirled off shore. Oil refineries erupted in flames. Nuclear power plants are on the verge of failure.

And these days it seems too familiar.

My daughter spoke to me this afternoon, “It’s scary”, she said, “like it really is the beginning of the end.”

Somedays I joke I look forward to the end. But I don’t, really. There is so much time I wasted. So much left I want to do. So much living left to live. So much loving left to give.

Disasters happen every day though. Little disasters that don’t get breaking news alerts. A car wreck changes a family’s life. A heart attack. A stroke. Cancer. People die unexpectedly every day.

It is time to start living, to stop putting off those dreams and desires. Not when I retire. Not when I find someone to love me. Not when I figure out what I want to do. Not when everything is perfect.

We all have a destiny to live...and we live in it each moment. Not just each day, but each moment. Makes me have to think, not “What am I doing TODAY to be where (and who) God wants me to be?”, but instead, “What am I doing THIS MOMENT?” Such a responsibility and such a blessing!

How are you living your moments?

To help those affected by the disaster in Japan:

Tsunami aid and relief: How you can help.

Satisfaction

2011-03-07T19:57:00.000-08:00

Monday night. Drove to the gym feeling down, and the freaking Rascal Flatts song, I won't Let Go came on the radio all, "When you’ve done all you can do, and you can’t cope, and I will dry your eyes. I will fight your fight. I will hold you tight, And I wont let go..." making me want someone to say those words to me, and figuring that was never gonna happen, and pulling into the parking space determined not to walk in the gym all teary eyed, clenched my heart in determination that love sucks and who needs it anyway, turned on my mp3 player and let a little John Legend and hard lifting, and okay, a little flirting with a nice looking man I haven't seen for a few weeks cheer me up, and drove home sweaty and smiling and car dancing to a little more John, turned up loud so that the bass rumbled the doors, and the tears were forgotten. Thank God for mind clearing workouts. And, thank you Mr. Legend, you always make me smile.

Who do you think you are?

2011-03-05T07:54:00.000-08:00

Jar of Hearts
by Christina Perri

From the first time I viewed this video I was captivated. The cinematography captures the haunting lyrics beautifully, giving strength rather than taking anything away from the images of the words. If I wrote songs, this would be one I'd like to have written. If I created videos, this is one I'd like to have created. If I could dance, this would feel amazing.

And who doesn't sometimes need to be strong enough to fight against the very things they long for?

You haven't seen the last of me

2011-03-04T21:15:00.000-08:00

"I've been brought down to my knees

And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking

But I can take it

I'll be back

Back on my feet

This is far from over

I am far from over

You haven't seen the last of me."

I may be down. But I am far from over. You haven't see the last of me.
Sexy. Strong. Self-confident.
Gotta love Cher.

I am waiting...

2011-03-01T16:59:00.000-08:00

This is where I want to be.

Right now.

Is it May yet?

I am waiting...

To turn my face to the sea,

close my eyes,

take a deep breath,

a heavy sigh,

and feel the glory of God's love

cleanse me.

I am waiting

for

healing,

redemption,

grace,

new beginnings,

courage.

Peace.

Joy.

Love.

I am waiting

to turn my face towards the sun

to raise my arms in surrender.

Oh, Lord, I am waiting.

“Those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength,
they shall mount up with wings like eagles,
they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.”
Isaiah 40:31

You are right, Lord.
I am
NOT
waiting.
I am stalling.
grasping tightly
to my
familiar
safe
comfortable
life.

Yes, Lord, I hear you.
My destiny is waiting.
It is time to soar.

Edge of desire

2011-02-28T00:04:00.000-08:00

"I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe
There I just said it
I'm scared you'll forget about me..."

"Edge Of Desire"

Young and full of running
tell me where is that taking me
just a great figure eight
or a tiny infinite

love is really nothing
but a dream that keeps waking me
for all of my trying
we still end up dying
how can it be?

don't say a word
just come over and lie here with me
cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see

I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe
there I just said it
I'm scared you'll forget about me

so young and full of running
all the way to the edge of desire
steady my breathing
silently screaming
I have to have you now

wired and I'm tired
think I'll sleep in my clothes on the floor
baby this mattress will spin on its axis
and find me on yours

don't say a word
just come over and lie here with me
cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see

I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe
there I just said it
I'm scared you'll forget about me

don't say a word
just come over and lie here with me
cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see

I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe
there I just said it
I'm scared you'll forget about me

What i want to say to you

2011-02-20T11:27:00.000-08:00

My declaration of last week was that I would not write unless I could offer words that remind you of the wings of an angel; words that give courage, and comfort, and lift you to the heights of hope. But I find I cannot not write…it is what I do. It is who I am. But my thoughts are heavy still with the uncertainty, and sorrow, and anxiety of impatience and longing.

Oh, Lord, my blessings are shackled, and I so long to soar.

So, while my words can’t yet reflect the joy and comfort I long to share, I will turn to the words of others.

This is what I want to say…

I saw you dancing last night

on the roof of your house

all alone.

I felt your heart longing for the Friend.

I saw you whirling

beneath the soft bright rose

that hung from an invisible stem in the sky.

So I began to change into my best clothes

in hopes of joining you,

even though I live a thousand miles away.

And if you had spun like an immaculate sphere

just two more times,

then bowed again so sweetly to the east,

you would have found God and me

standing so near

and lifting you into our arms.

I saw you dancing last night

near the roof of this world

~Hafiz~

God bless,

Melinda

Who I am

2011-02-17T21:55:00.000-08:00

I have never liked my name. And with the exception of my mother giving me the moniker of Roo when I was a child, I have never allowed nicknames. I wasn’t a Mindy. I wasn’t a Mel. Occasional people attempted to call me Red, after my hair color, and probably due to my propensity to blush, but that wasn't going to fly. But, this past several years my feelings have changed.

I had a friend mention to me how more meaningful a person felt when someone spoke their name. And, like the book I just read, called Someone Knows My Name, I realize how a name identifies us and makes us unique individuals, in the book as opposed to being a nameless slave, in my own case as someone of worth in and of myself, no longer Mrs. Pearson or Merran’s mom. I was no longer defined by someone else.

I have learned that the use of my name makes me feel as though my part in a conversation is deliberate, and not just a conversation that could occur with any random person. And nicknames? I've learned that just as my mother’s did, they add a separate and exclusive intimacy.

I just read this passage in a Christian novel called Who is My Shelter, “God sent an angel to her, who called her by her name. God is interested in your story. He sees you. He knows your name.”

So, who am I?

I am one of those kind of people who likes to know why I am the way I am. I should have been a psych major at college. I love personality tests, and have known for a long time that per the Myers Briggs Personality Theory I am an INFG, The Counselor, and my spiritual gift is that of exhortation. But I never thought about how my own name may define me.

In the same book mentioned above, a group of women create blessings for each other, based on their names, and when the name meanings didn’t “fit” the woman, they pondered, “When prophets speak they say what God sees is not necessarily what we see. These names may be prophetic – our Father God speaking what He saw when He created each woman.”

So, who am I?

The most common meanings for the name Melinda are gentle and dark. The gentle doesn’t surprise me as something that could define me, as most of my life that has been true. I have always the “nice” one. I will concede rather than engage in conflict, and was always worried that I wouldn’t be assertive enough to stand up for my loved ones. When I took Taekwondo in college I didn’t enter the sparring tournaments, only the form competitions. People have called me a milquetoast. As you can see by some of my examples, you can be too gentle. And, because of this propensity to be too gentle, and too meek, in my heart I long to be a warrior, a boxer, a tough chick.

But it is the inclusion of the meaning dark that I find more interesting, not because I am dark colored – I am scary pale in the winter with eyebrows so faint they seem to disappear. But I do admit at times (okay, my entire life) I have felt a darkness in my soul. Not an angry, serial killer darkness, but a sorrow-filled darkness.

A gentle darkness.

That is who I am. But, I smile, thinking of a recent nickname I have been given by someone close to me, and it means dark, all on its own, without gentleness attached. And when I think of being strong, and confident, and sexy, I tell myself, “Be …” For this name makes me feel like the warrior I long to be; sassy, assertive, and sure of myself, my desires, my dreams.

Perhaps our names do reflect what God saw when he created us. If so, what does your name same about who you are? Do you live the meaning of your name?

With blessings and boldness,

Melinda

2/14/11 Conversation with God

2011-02-15T08:28:00.000-08:00

Okay, after wallowing in my Valentine Day loneliness, I turned off the sad music, and found myself taking out my prayer rug, spreading it out gently onto the floor, kneeling, resting my head on my cupped hands, asking desperately for help. And this is my interpretation of that conversation. I know conversations with God are private, but this is spurring a declaration, so here it is.

Me: God, I need help.

God: Trust me.

Me: Please give me a clue what I should do.

God: Trust me.

Me: I just need to know how to get past this sorrow.

God: Trust me.

Me: I know this isn’t attractive. This angry, sad and weary woman. I mean, who would want to be with me? I don’t even want to be with me. I am not exactly bursting with joie de vivre.

God : Trust me.

Me : At church Sunday, the pastor said that You give us the trials we go though. You give them to us! On purpose, claiming that through the fire we will be purified and made stronger. And if we ever want to escape our lukewarm mediocre life, we must accept these challenges of yours. We must trust that You have our best interest at hand.

God : Trust me.

Me : I know I should trust you.

God : Trust me.

Me : But it is so hard to let the past go.

God : You can’t let it go, it is part of you now. Praise what I have given you.

Me : Even the pain?

God : There would not be great pain, if there was not great love. Rejoice.

Me : It is so hard.

God : I am here.

Me : What if no one ever loves me again?

God : Trust me.

Me : (Getting excited here, hopeful) You mean, maybe I will get my heart’s desire? If I am patient?

God : What I have planned for you is so much greater than anything you can imagine or desire.

Me : Oh. So, it might not be what I hope for…but it might be better so that will be okay?

God: (smiling a small smile) Just trust me.

Me : (Sigh.) I just miss…

God : I am here.

Me : I know. I’m just afraid I will settle for anyone, just because I’m lonely.

God : You were not created to settle! Do not live beneath what I have destined for you. The desires you have in your heart were placed there by my hands. My hands! Do not be afraid to live the life you are meant to live.

Me: Oh, I want to, so badly. I want to be one of those people who engages in life, who follows my passion, who lets Your light shine. But I am so disappointed, so tired.

God: Trust me. I am here. Let my joy give you strength.

Me: It’s not always enough.

God: I know.

(Silence)

Me: But it could be so worse. I know that. My heart hurts, but I am not hungry, I am not homeless…I need to count my blessings, not the broken pieces of my heart.

God: You are blessed.

Me: I know. I need to take my own advice. Be the person You see.

God: Yes. The woman I so carefully created to fulfill a purpose all of her own. There is no one like you.

Me: (Laughing sarcastically) Thank God!

God: You’re welcome. I have great hope for you, you know.

Me: Great…nothing like pressure.

God: Be strong and courageous. Be joyful always…

Me: (Heavy sigh.)

God: …And trust me.

Me: (nodding)

God: I will never let you down.

Me: (nodding again.)

God: I promise.

Me: (nodding again…tears welling in eyes.)

God: All you have to do is trust me.

Me: Trust isn’t my strong suit.

God: I know.

Me: I’ll try though. Trust. Rejoice. Don’t be afraid of being who You see.

God: One of my warriors.

Me: I like the idea of being a warrior.

God: You’d be a good one.

Me: It’s scary though.

God: Trust me.

Me: (Heavy sigh of resolve) It still hurts, you know.

God: I know.

Me: But I don’t wish it gone…because that would be wishing it never happened. I wouldn’t trade.

God: It is all a part of who you are meant to be. All part of My plan.

Me: (Another sigh.) I just wish…

God: I know.

Me: But I’ll trust that you know best.

God: I do.

Me: Thank you for talking.

God: Anytime.

Me: I mean it.

God: Me too.

Me: I really needed someone to talk to tonight.

God: I know.

Me: (Sigh) Though I still wish I just knew...

God: Go to bed.

Me: (sigh.) Okay.

So, at the beginning I promised you a declaration. I will try my best to trust. Try my best to live the life I am meant to live. To engage. To follow my passions. To let His light and love shine through my life.

What does that mean? I need to snap out of it. And while writing is what I do when I am heartbroken, I am going to take my mother’s advice and if I can’t say something nice, I’m not going to say anything at all. Which means no more writing unless it is reflective of the person I want to be, the person I am meant to be. More of the yes of the emptiness and less of the no...less of what's missing, more of what's possible. Less me. More God.

So, I declare, from here on out, my writing will reflect the hopeful, love filled words of an angel I used to know. The one who lost herself. Well, or I won’t write at all.

Valentine Schmalentine

2011-02-14T08:18:00.000-08:00

"Inside every cyncial person is a disappointed idealist."

George Carlin

Tonight, instead of shimmering into a little black dress, and tall peep toe heels, I will be pulling on a sports bra and lacing up my sneakers. Instead of sliding on sexy red lipstick, I’ll be sliding my lifting gloves over my fingers. Instead of excitedly fixing up my companion’s favorite dish, I’ll be mixing up a pre-workout protein drink. Maybe with a slap of peppermint for some valentine day flavor, you know, to feel the spirit. Instead of batting my eyes and whispering sweet nothings, I’ll nod at another loveless comrade with a “you finished with that bench?” Oh, and I’ll work up a sweat, I will. But instead of falling asleep in the arms of my love, I’ll cradle my own resolve, thanking God for my will power of not exchanging my recovery drink for a chocolate brownie extreme blizzard on the way back from the gym, and slipping into a hot bubble bath to rest my weary muscles instead of tuning on Love Actually when I get home. And, when I lie my head upon my pillow, because I am not as much of a cynic as I wish I was, I’ll offer a prayer for those I love, and for the hope that maybe someday a valentine will be mine.

And if the one who does hold my heart happens by these words, there is a valentine blessing for you on your birthday blog. God's peace.

Okay, I refrained from watching sappy movies on television. But music called me. And I succumbed to sad songs on the radio. I should have turned to the gospel station I have been listening to lately, because God's love doesn't just disappear one day...but you know, that's just not who I am. Some days you have to submerge into the darkness, let it fill your heart and lungs and soul, and hope to come away cleansed. Besides, what is Valentine's Day withouth a little Luther Vandross?

Distract me

2011-02-09T20:48:00.000-08:00

I was pleasantly distracted by the smooth sexy sounds of John Legend at the gym tonight, and forgot to keep my lap counts around the track. Oh well, he can distract me anytime.

After

2011-02-05T21:05:00.000-08:00

“These are the days after. Everything now is measured by after."

Don Delillo

I miss my parents. Every day. People have told me I need to let them go, that I hold onto the loss so tightly that it causes too much grief. But, how can I sacrifice their place witin me, for my peace of mind? And, why would I want to let go of unconditional love? They are a part of me, their essence intertwined in my essence. I cradle the memories of that love, and I won’t let it go, even if it hurts.

"Get braces," my mom told me. "When you are my age you will wish you had." So I did. She died of breast cancer not long before I got them removed. The day I got them off I went to my car in the parking lot and cried because I couldn’t go show her my new smile. She was the only one who would understand how it felt to be able to smile widely without the self consciousness I had carried most of my forty years, without the shame of the childhood taunts by my sister making a beaver face at me, sticking out her front teeth, mocking something I had no control over, and my parents had no money or insurance to correct.

And my dad. Sometimes I think I see him ahead of me, crossing a parking lot perhaps; with his skinny legs, strong calves, khaki shorts and white socks, baseball cap topping his thick unruly hair, Hawaiian shirt barely covering the overhang of his belly. I nearly call out sometimes, my heart full of tenderness and excitement, before I remember he is gone.

But, I don’t speak often of how much I miss them. I look around at those I work most closely with, and my parents are the only ones who are gone. How can I explain what I long for, what I miss? My parents were the keepers of my history. No one else can tell me of my ancestors. No one else can tell me of my first words or steps. My history feels like a dark hallway of emptiness, and most of the time I walk it alone, because unless you share that darkness, it is a loss you can’t understand, no matter how much you wish to sympathize.

"Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated."

~Lamartine~

I know I am not the only one with this grief, and I realize there is other pain I cannot comprehend, but this hurt is mine. And I’m not letting it…them…go.

My love is unconditional too.

God’s Peace,

Melinda

“You can close your eyes to things you don't

want to see, but you can't close your heart to

the things you don't want to feel."

There will be a day...

2011-02-03T20:05:00.000-08:00

This song played on the way home from the gym tonight, and for a moment I tried to imagine what it would feel like to have a day with no tears, no pain, no more fears. But I couldn’t. I mean, I think I’ve lived with fear my entire life. Not just scary things in the night fears, but worse than boogey men or werewolves, the fear of failure, and fear of rejection. Those fears have haunted me most of my days. They still follow me, like a shadow I can’t shake.

How light would I feel without fear? And tears? How easy could I breathe if I weren’t always determinedly holding back tears? And pain? Oh, heartaches hurt so badly. What would that moment feel like? That moment when my soul was pure essence, when beauty and joy was abundant? I long for that peace.

But I don’t wish for it. I could never wish for it. I know too well what it’s like to lose a mother too soon. And I know what I’d be missing. I want to experience as much as my daughter’s life as I can.

So, while my prayers are not to escape the pain of human longing and loss, they are for a little grace. Please, just a little bit of peace and joy; someone to hold my hand through the tears, maybe courage and self-confidence to ease the fear of failure, perhaps I could be someone’s first choice once…

A little of courage, and love, and happiness. That’s all I ask.

Good cop, bad cop

2011-02-01T21:02:00.000-08:00

There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist,

or accept the responsibility for changing them.

~ Denis Waitley ~

I was thinking. I know. Uh-oh. I wasn’t going to say anything, as I probably haven’t thought this whole thing through, and my bible knowledge is shaky so I’m probably missing some big point, but these days I seem to be one of those people who like to poke sleeping dogs. I guess in my desire to be bolder in my life and faith, I decided passivity is overrated.

Recently someone said to me, “If God decides _______ then destiny is in our favor.” At the time I thought, cool. I can live with maybes, and maybe God will decide I’ve had my share of disappointment and sadness and will let me win for once in my life.

But tonight, I got to thinking. I’ve heard a lot of Christians utter these phrases ~

If God decides….
God willing….
If it’s my destiny…

I’ve even recently used this one, “If it is God’s decision for me to have a life companion, then He will bring someone into my life.” And yes, I do believe God brings people into our lives for distinct reasons. I believe there is often a purpose greater than my understanding. But, do I really think that I can hang out at home, watching the Blazers on television, and someone will come knocking at my door, and when I open it there will be Prince Charming? Hardly.

I only say it’s up to God because I want to put the responsibility on Him. That way if I remain loveless the remainder of my days, I can blame God. I can make Him be the bad cop. That way, it’s not my fault. I don’t have to go out into the world and risk being rejected. It’s not my fear of finding someone and living happily ever after that is keeping me alone. It’s not my bad choices. It's God.

But, choices are ours. Like I said, I’m no bible scholar, but I have a sneaking suspicion God thinks there are too many passive Christians. Too many Christians who live lonely, miserable lives; who avoid making decisions, who would be scared to death to do as Jesus did. Jesus wasn’t passive. He was a bit of a rebel. And He wasn’t afraid to make decisions.

And it’s not like we can’t consult God. Have at it. Pray over your decisions, but rather than say, “If God decides….” say “Because of my commitment to my faith and to God, I choose…” follow the lead of Jesus and be man enough to take responsibility for those choices you are faced with.

So, here is my proposal ~ to myself and to you: Don’t use God to limit yourself. Don’t use Him because you are reluctant to give someone bad news, or are uncertain, unwilling, or scared to death to make a tough decision that needs to be made.

In the words of General Patton, “A good plan violently executed now is better than a perfect plan executed next week.” In other words, make a frickin' decision already!

You are never going to have 100% certainty. But delaying may get you nothing but years of regret, because someday you may wake up and realize God was waiting all that time for you to make a choice.

Melinda

And, for more words on the ability to make decisions, see this post by one of my favorite bloggers: Jamie The Very Worst Missionary. Her words are graphically honest, and touched with humor.

You matter

2011-02-01T11:40:00.000-08:00

"We tell ourselves that only a few things in life really matter, and that those few things matter immeasurably. So, if it's not about "stuff," but about our heart and the people connected to it, maybe today is a good day, to pause, and tell someone. You know, "Hi, I just wanted to let you know that you matter. Hope you have a great day. . ." (From blog of Terry Hershey)

So, to those my heart is connected to...even those I am only connected to at a distance. Remember love spans any distance, all sorrow, and even my moments of anger, and into eternity. You matter.

And you always will.

This hug is for YOU.

Happiness can be purchased

2011-01-29T07:26:00.000-08:00

If you can't luck upon happiness, or you can't maintain an attitude that you're unstoppable, or if life bears down too hard on your weary shoulders and for the life of you, you can't shake it, sometimes you have to resort to purchasing your happiness. It won't last long, but it may give me a moment of reprieve, a time to catch my breath.

Sometimes new shoes are the only thing that works. No heels this time. It's time for shoes destined for hard work. I have a lot of climbing to do to get me out of this despair. I know there is sunshine out there somewhere, and it's time to soldier up and find it.

"What becomes of the broken-hearted? They buy shoes”

Mimi Pond quotes

I hardly have the words...

2011-01-24T21:37:00.000-08:00

Ever have one of those moments when you realize that something you've hoped for was really just a foolish dream, and it hurts, and makes you want to both punch something and cry?

Just had one of those moments.

So much for expecting happiness could be possible. It just makes me so sad. Was it all wasted time and wasted words? Or will this adversity make me stronger? I tell you, I think I am strong enough, so God, you can ease up. Really. Please.

I'm really getting tired of disappointment. I think I was better off expecting nothing, hoping for nothing, wanting nothing.

And to think I was just starting to trust again...Not sure that's working for me.

I really just don't understand.

God, you sure as heck better know what you're doing, because this sucks....

This song say so much how I feel. I'm trying to believe that He has his hands on me. But I sure can't feel them.

Mmmmmmm....

2011-01-23T15:54:00.001-08:00

With this kind of music at Zumba who wouldn't feel sexy!

At this moment...

2011-01-22T13:05:00.000-08:00

I am ~

Strong!

Strong of body. Lifted hard this morning.

Strong in my faith. Inspired to trust that God really has my best interests at hand.

I am strong enough, at this moment, to hold back the sadness that comes at a mere thought.

Sexy!

I may not be full of grace, but I feel good today.

Grateful and Hopeful!

Thank you God, for the promise of better days!

Thank you for belief in my destiny.

Thank you for giving me this day, in the midst of winter’s shadow and sorrow, to remember what is possible.

Thank you, thank you, for the sun. It has changed the way I feel.

Night Vision

2011-01-18T21:19:00.000-08:00

Night Vision
By Jacqueline Jakes
(Author of God’s Trophy Women)

For at least an eternal moment
Allow me to pause
Selah
From a formerly unscented lifestyle
To feed upon this unexplored territory
And this exhilarating journey
You place before me.

Now I can set aside stored-up pain
And You can burn away unexpressed feelings
And I can enjoy
This metamorphosis
So stunning and so highly flavored it creates
My future, my destiny, and my
Reality.

“Believe that life will again say Yes to you, that circumstances will once again be favorable to you…Remember that nothing is too hard for God. You must continually believe that He is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all that you may ask of think. Belief is the beauty and the power, the secret weapon of every woman of God. We are charged to believe the impossible.” Excerpt from God’s Trophy Women

My prayer tonight,

Oh, Lord, let me enjoy this metamorphosis from pain to beauty. Let me remember that my expectations for my life are only transient and limited versions of the destiny You have designed. Let me face the challenges you have placed in my path with courage, knowing the changes in my plans are Your doing, understanding that I must let go of my expectations to obtain what You desire for me. Let me remember that it is my choice whether I see the challenges as stumbling blocks or stepping stones. Let me realize that letting go of my plans for my life (and sometimes my dreams, and goals and 15 year plans...) will lead to a life of more glorious abundance. Let me follow Your guidance. Let me believe that I am a conqueror, that I will rise boldly from the discouragement and disappointment of my broken life, and that I will find my new path full of wonders, and joy, and love. In Jesus' name, amen!

Reminder to self ~

2011-01-14T22:28:00.000-08:00

Go to bed before the night leads you to listen to music that speaks (breaks) your heart…again.

But, self, I say, I find a certain comfort in wrapping myself in a good sad song.

"Music could ache and hurt, that beautiful music was a place a suffering man could hide." From the novel, Beach Music, by Pat Conroy (One of the men who led me to South Carolina. I'm not the only one who finds solace in music.)

No Matter What

2011-01-12T23:07:00.000-08:00

"You can close your eyes to things you don't

want to see, but you can't close your heart to

the things you don't want to feel."

After you do all you can...let me tell you something, you just STAND...
Oh, Lord…I’m trying...

No Matter What by Kerrie Roberts

I’m running back to Your promises one more time
Lord, that’s all I can hold on to
I’ve gotta say this has taken me by surprise
But nothing surprises You

Before a heartache can ever touch my life
It has to go through Your hands
And even though I, I keep asking why, I keep asking why.

No matter what, I’m gonna love You
No matter what, I’m gonna need You
I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not, I’ll trust You
No matter what
No matter what

When I’m stuck in this nothingness by myself
I’m just sitting in silence
There’s no way I can make it without Your help
I won’t even try it

I know You have Your reasons for everything
So I will keep believing
Whatever I might be feeling
God, You are my hope, and You’ll be my strength

Anything I don’t have, You can give it to me
But it’s ok if You don’t
I’m not here for those things
The touch of Your love is enough on its own

No matter what, I still love You
And I’m gonna need You

All the glory

2011-01-09T18:55:00.000-08:00

I am finding my way back to Christian music...and am thankful for the internet and online radio stations. I discovered WFMV 95.3 when I traveled to South Carolina this fall and the station has been keeping me company on days I work at home, trying to bring peace to my soul, trying to help me practice what I preach...to trust God with my life, my fears, my doubts.

This song reminds me that no matter what my situation in life - in the joyful times...in moments when I am driven...and even, perhaps especially, in the evenings when hope is failing me and doubts crowd out my faith - God is mighty and always deserves my praise.

Be blessed.

When will I learn?

2011-01-07T17:10:00.000-08:00

MY calves are killing me.
My quads aren’t far behind.
I’m tired.
Sleepy tired. Weary tired.
I’m tired of wanting.
I’m tired of letting my happiness be tied to the words of someone else.
I want to beat the crap out of my punching bag but I can’t because it wouldn’t do my shoulder any good.
I feel like shooting hoops with Merran in the basketball barn.
I miss that.
And the stars. I never see the stars anymore.
Mama, this isn’t the me you’d hoped I’d become.
This isn’t the me I want to be.
This woman who just waits...
So, I’ll take a deep breath.
Let the pity turn to anger.
Let the anger become resolve.
Turn up the music.
Let my arms share the pain.
Eat a steak.
Hope for dreamless sleep.
I am a conqueror you know.

Life is too damn short to live unhappily.

Work in Progress

2011-01-02T22:22:00.000-08:00

It was a good weekend. Hard workouts. Clean eating. Two books began and finished. Studying done and tests aced. Luxurious down time napping and daydreaming entire Saturday afternoon away. Day two of the New Year and resolutions have been upheld. I didn’t even yell (or throw anything) at the cat once, not even when she yowled at the back door like she wanted to go out, but then wouldn’t. It was a good weekend.

Except…there is so much emptiness in the stillness.

Guess I need to to keep working on Declaration # 1.

Twenty Ten Summed Up

2010-12-31T20:24:00.000-08:00

“I think one reason why people hold onto special moments in time so tightly

is because the good memories that they have is one thing in life

that will never, ever change.”

(Thank you, Bethanie for another heartfelt quote.)

A long hot bath, a good book, John Legend playing low never fails to offer healing. That or a new pair of shoes. Or a hard workout. I guess I needed a lot of healing this year because I worked out a lot, took a lot of baths, and bought a lot of shoes.

Many thanks to the bloggers and Facebook friends I met this year. Their words inspired me daily. The world is a much smaller place than I ever imagined, and I am blessed.

New Adventures: Solo trips to New Orleans, Charleston, Savannah; eye opening (or should I say eye covering) Bourbon street, inspiring Preservation Hall, the haunting devastation of Hurricane Katrina, beautiful churches, quaint alleys nestled between timeless homes, enchanting overgrown graveyards, Palmetto bugs, piers stretching over the ocean, dinner with strangers. I didn’t see the Pacific Ocean once this year, but I stood in the warmth of the Atlantic, and I gazed for hours at the great Mississippi.

Zumba. Blazer Basketball. Mark Batterson books. The Potter House. Jane Kirkpatrick’s Portraits of the Heart Series. Oxygen and Muscle & Fitness Hers Magazines. Vision Posters. Facebook. Quote after quote after quote. 162 blog entries. Poetry. Prayers.

Wrote (and re-wrote, and re-wrote) a complete screenplay, had it read aloud in class, pitched it at a writer’s conference. The writing was easy compared to submitting to critique, and stepping WAY outside my comfort zone pitching it.

Music of 2010: John Legend, Gary Allen, Darius Rucker, Patty Griffin, New Orleans Jazz, lots and lots of soul, a little bit of gospel, and back into contemporary Christian.

If summer had been a color, it would have been deep, deep blue...All I know about the summer was that Gary Allen’s song, “It Would Be You”, summed it up pretty well.

New directions: New blog in August ~ Strength for my journey; adventures in becoming spiritually and physically strong and new Facebook page in October ~ Strength for the journey; Forging Faith and Fitness. These are leading to some God-sized visions…

Muscle; calves Merran says are too extreme, triceps definition, the beginning of abs, lost inches, the purchase of entire new wardrobe (and I mean entire) in March, and the realization I’ll likely need a new one this year. Sometimes I wonder why I'm taking fitness to this level...it is a big time and energy committment...but it clears my head, gives me a break from overthinking everything, keeps me sane.

Crawfish. Beignets. Hominy grits. Crab stuffed salmon. Blended mocha protein drinks. Mornings when oatmeal tasted heavenly. And a year long craving of extra cheesy, crispy topped, homemade macaroni and cheese. Gonna have to work out especially HARD one of these days and surrender to the craving. It could be worse.

Model 1913 Cavalry Saber (The Patton Sword), local art from my travels, vision posters, weight room, and new music. My house is feeling like a home…just in time to let it go…

Rollercoasters. I felt like I was on one all year. I apologize for the lows. I should be cleansed from all the tears. I am thankful for the highs. I raised my arms boldly, letting go (finally) through loop after loop. And I am blessed for the moments of love.

Hellos. Talk to you laters. Heys. Good-byes. < > <+> :-) ;-) ;-( Sighs…

Yes, there were lots of sighs, a lot of sleep, reckless but never regretted love, prayer after prayer after prayer, disappointment, amazing happiness, anger, sadness, longing, wanting, anticipation (of an email, a trip, books in the mail), smiles, scowls, loss of contentment and on the verge of loss of hope, boldness, and faith…through it all faith.

“Never give up on anything that you can't go a day without thinking about!"

Tony Horton

Thank you for being part of my life in 2010. Be blessed in 2011!

Love,

Melinda

To eternity…and beyond…

2010-12-30T22:09:00.000-08:00

I love New Years. A chance to put the past behind me, to shed my skin. A time of change. Rebirth. Hope.

See this post on my blog; Strength for my Journey ~ adventures in becomming spiritually and physically strong for my plans for a weekend of planning for my year.

With blessings and boldness for the New Year!

Melinda

New Year Decisions

2010-12-28T22:49:00.000-08:00

Adding on...and letting go.
Visit the following links for two methods of becomming the person you are meant to become.

Thresholds
A new year to me equals new possibilities, and new plans; a chance to be reborn…

Getting rid of sticks
As I am considering what I want my life to look next year, I instinctively look at things I want my life to look like: eat cleaner, lift harder, learn something, laugh more (attitude adjustment), and trust God (submerse myself in faith). But as I keep adding things to my list, I realize in order to fit all that in, I need to let some things go…

Welcome to a chance to be reborn,

Melinda

Take Joy!

2010-12-25T20:58:00.000-08:00

"What is Christmas? It is tenderness for the past, courage for the present, hope for the future. It is a fervent wish that every cup may overflow with blessings rich and eternal, and that every path may lead to peace." Agnes M. Pharo

Take Joy!

I salute you!

There is nothing I can give you which you have not;

but there is much, that while I cannot give, you can take.

No heaven can come to us unless our hearts find rest in it today.

Take Heaven.

No peace lies in the future which is not hidden in this present instant.

Take Peace.

The gloom of the world is but a shadow,

behind it, yet, within our reach, is joy.

Take Joy.

And so, at this Christmas time, I greet you,

with the prayer that for you, now and forever,

the day breaks and the shadows flee away.

--Fra Giovanni, A.D. 1513

Merry Christmas, from the ghosts of my past, and the hope of today.

Still hoping for that happy ending, for the shadows to flee away.
Guess it's time to take it,
and claim that day.

Melinda

Hope is a star

2010-12-24T07:17:00.000-08:00

“I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.” The Shawshank Redemption

I want that kind of hope. I want the excitement one feels at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I used to be full of hope. My optimism drove people crazy, but sometime this past year my hope for my future became dim; as though the bright stars I gazed upon in the night sky were suddenly hidden by dark clouds of hopelessness and disappointment.

Occasionally, the clouds will part, and my heart will soar, and hope that my desires will become my destiny fill me with the kind of excitement that makes me barely able to sit still, or hold a thought in my head. The kind of hope that's like being in love and sunny days and new adventures. Some people dread change, but I long for hope to change my life, to change me, to make me bold and courageous.

I want that kind of faith and hope to light my life, and fill my days. The kind of hope that makes me believe all things are possible.

Today is Christmas Eve, and it is a good time to find that hope, because after all, that’s what the angels promised; "Fear not! For, behold, I bring you tidings o great joy, which shall be to all my people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ, the Lord." Hope in a savior.

My Christmas wish for you (and myself) is to have the courage to hope. Believe that all things are possible. Have faith that everything happens for a reason. Trust that you will be blessed with the abundance of joy and love and hope. Hope is yours for the taking; if only you are brave enough to claim the gift and call it yours.

“Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart, all you who hope in the LORD.” Psalm 31:24

Ask. Believe. Receive.

God's peace and hope to you,

Melinda

Not a Christmas Song...

2010-12-22T18:45:00.000-08:00

...but it's a good one, and it fit my state of mind tonight. I am always grateful that I can find a song for every moment, every mood. God bless the muscians for saying, and playing, just what I'm feeling.

Wishing peaceful dreams for your every night.

All I want for Christmas...

2010-12-18T07:46:00.000-08:00

Two of my favorite Christmas songs and one of my favorite female vocalists. Enjoy!

May all your Christmas wishes come true!

Peace,

Melinda

A Christmas Truce

2010-12-15T12:08:00.000-08:00

On the way home from work yesterday, I heard some good advice on KLOVE Christian radio station. The DJ spoke about the loneliness people often feel through the holiday season because our holidays (which are sometimes a reflection of our lives) don’t always live up to our Norman Rockwell expectations. He mentioned his sadness came from the loss of his parents.

I understood that very well, for I too struggle through the holidays without my parents. Christmas just isn’t the same without mom and dad. But I also know that the loneliest I have ever felt was when I would lie awake after my husband would fall asleep, all alone in a relationship that was supposed to be ‘til death do us part, grasping at the last fragile strands of my failed marriage, knowing in my heart there was no hope. It can come from loss of children, loss of dreams, loss of employment, loss of hope. Loneliness can attack from many fronts.

But, the advice that was given on the radio station was this. Call a Christmas truce. You don’t have to have to pretend things are perfect and you don’t have to sweep problems under the rug. Just call a time out. Even at war there have been Christmas truces. The soldiers know the battle begins the next day, but for that moment, for that day, for that season they experience a fragment of God’s peace.

Extend God’s love to those in your life this season.
Practice kindness.
Show respect.
Experience God’s peace.
And, spend the calm praying for clarity.

Then, when the season is over, and you are refreshed and renewed with God’s love, step out bravely from your refuge, let go of the fragile strands of your discontent; address the loneliness…the hurt…the problems, and with renewed hope and clarity, boldly make the changes that need to be made, and reach for the destiny God has prepared for you.

With much love this Christmas season, I pray you have a measure of God’s peace.

Melinda

The lives we’re living…and not living

2010-12-13T20:57:00.000-08:00

"I wish I were a poet. I've never confessed that to anyone, and I'm confessing it to you, because you've given me reason to feel that I can trust you. I've spent my life observing the universe, mostly in my mind's eye. It's been a tremendously rewarding life, a wonderful life. I've been able to explore the origins of time and space with some of the great living thinkers. But I wish I were a poet.

Albert Einstein, a hero of mine, once wrote, 'Our situation is the following. We are standing in front of a closed box which we cannot open.'

I'm sure I don't have to tell you that the vast majority of the universe is composed of dark matter. The fragile balance depends on things we'll never be able to see, hear, smell, taste, or touch. Life itself depends on them. What's real? What isn't real? Maybe those aren't the right questions to be asking. What does life depend on?

I wish I had made things for life to depend on."

Jonathan Safran Foer wrote these words in his novel, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. The words were a fictionalized letter from Stephen Hawking to a small boy in the book, a boy whose father perished in 9/11.

I wish the words were really Stephen Hawking’s. Maybe they are. I am not sure.

What I am sure of is that these words made me sad; sadness that a scientific genius could feel despair that he wasn’t a poet. And sadness of bereft lives pooled with the sadness of the boy’s loss, and the loss everyone felt on 9/11, and loss everyone felt before then, and since then, made it a desperate and hopeless sadness.

But I was content too, because sometimes, when you’re feeling sadness inside your heart, it is nice to find words that affirm your emotions, and confirm that it’s not just you, that there are other people out there saddened, and burdened, by the lives they are not living.

Melinda

'Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I'm not living' J. Foer.

Need you now...

2010-12-11T20:29:00.001-08:00

Love this man....and this song fits this Saturday night...

Peace

Joys of tears

2010-12-08T21:48:00.000-08:00

A Facebook application said that God wanted me to know this today:

Let tears take out all the agony that is hidden inside you, and let laughter ignite your contagious joy.

Have you ever noticed that when you are feeling emotionally intense that sometimes the expressed emotions are interchangeable?

~ When you are hurting inside, and you watch something funny, tears fall instead of laughter.
~ With love and passion, or unbridled joy, sometimes come tears.
~ Sometimes you laugh when faced with hurt or sadness or anger even.

I find when I am sad and lonely and need to cry, the tears will come just as easily if I watch a hilarious comedy, than if I watch a tenderhearted romance.

But you have to be careful who you are with, because people often don’t understand.

Watch closely now...

2010-12-04T19:59:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you need to say good-bye; to doubt and lack of faith, to bad attitudes and negativity, to anger. I was trimming my Christmas tree tonight, and instead of letting the memories weigh me down, I honored each one, treasuring each blessing. Like all memories, those moments are part of me, within my heart and soul. They hurt, yes, but without them I would be empty. They are part of who I am today.

That doesn’t necessarily make the good-bye easier. Sometimes you have the strength to stand strong with your good-bye one day, then the next evening succumb to the sorrow of loss, and cradle the familiar longing (yes, even the pain) closer. But it gets easier with practice. Or so people say...

So, to honor the pain of good-bye, and the beauty of memories, I turned to music to speak my heart. There are many ways to say Good-bye ~

Gravity by Sara Bareilles

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be.

I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?

All We Ever Do Is Say Goodbye by John Mayer

I love you more than songs can say
But I can't keep running after yesterday

So why you wanna break my heart again
Why am I gonna let you try

When all we ever do is say goodbye
All we ever do is say goodbye

What Hurts the Most by Rascal Flatts

I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though
Goin' on with you gone still upsets me.
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay
But that's not what gets me.

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away

No More One More Time by Jo-El Sonnier

There'll be no more one more time.

Baby I might be crazy but I’ll never call you baby anymore

You had your last second chance at this old heart of mine

And there'll be no more one more time.

With One More Look at You/Watch Closely Now by Barbara Streisand

With one more look at you
I might overcome the anger
That I learned to know
Find a piece of mind I lost so long ago
Your gentle touch has made me strong again
And I belong again
For when you look at me
I'm everything and more that I had dreamed I'd be…

I'm gonna need you later
When you're not around
But I can take it
I won't look down
Watch closely now
Are you watching me now?
Watch me now
Are you watching me now?
Are you watching me now?

(Love you, Mom)

There are many ways to say good-bye, and one isn’t found in words, or with music. It is said with silence. No last words. No changed minds. No tears to face. Sometimes the sound of silence is as loud as a slammed door. But I can take it. I won’t look down.

Here’s praying I have the strength to keep saying the words.

With blessings,

Melinda

The tree.

The tree and me. And Max.

Yes, I am almost as tall as the tree.

Yes, the tree is crooked.

But it is up. And decorated.

And that is saying something.

Come they told me...

2010-12-03T21:05:00.000-08:00

I’m watching The Nativity Story on pay per view tonight. Last night I watched a sappy Lifetime Channel Christmas movie. I am trying to grasp onto the Christmas spirit. I doubt I’ll find the strength to surrender to the joy of Christmas music by the end of the season, but I have carried in the boxes of holiday decorations from the garage, and managed to carefully unwrap the nativity scene that used to grace the mantle of my mother’s house. Without tears even. And I’m contemplating picking up a tree on the way home from the gym tomorrow morning. That is further than I got last year. Last year was the first year I ever remember not having a tree.

Trimming it feels daunting though; each ornament with its memories. Each Kanga and Roo ornament my mom gave to me, in memory of the nickname she graced me with, each ornament purchased to memorialize family vacations, the reindeer Justin made for me when he was a small boy, each ornament I gave to Merran every Christmas, the ornaments passed onto me from my stepfather after my mother’s death. I place the tree in the living room, where I can gaze down the hallway upon its reminders of Christmas eves, midnight Masses, my sisters and I racing downstairs Christmas mornings after convincing dad we had waited long enough. Last year I just couldn’t bear it. But this year, I must. My sadness must not shadow the memories.

While I scroll through the television guide for Christmas movies and specials, there is one I am searching for in particular. The movie This Christmas is a new favorite, and I seem to watch The Grinch each year, but my very favorite, perhaps the reason for my longtime desire to play the drums, is The Little Drummer Boy. I remember being so excited as a child, reading through December’s holiday schedule in the Television Guide to see when it would be on, and circling it in pen so we wouldn’t forget.

Something about The Little Drummer Boy touched my soul, even as a child, and even more now perhaps, with my anger, sadness and disappointment, my longing to release my frustrations on a drum (or a punching bag…), and my understanding of how it feels to become an orphan. Perhaps I hope that I too, like Aaron, will find a bit of God’s peace this Christmas season.

Blessings,

Melinda

I shall be released

2010-11-28T17:08:00.000-08:00

Sunday afternoon.
Gray skies.
The holiday season.
Rest day and two days before payday.
(No workout or shopping stress relief.)
Blazers LOSE to New Jersey. Sheesh.
Perfect prescription for the blues.
One word sums it up.
But, though this word comes readily to my mind to describe the mood I in;
Synonymous with the boredom, anger, disappointment, and hopelessness,
I am trying to refrain from using profanity to express my emotions.
I will turn to music instead. It always says it best anyway.

Against the Ropes

2010-11-26T20:16:00.000-08:00

It is just shy of two minutes after halftime in the Oregon/Arizona game. Arizona is leading number one Oregon 19 to 14. And I was thinking I wouldn’t want to be Arizona. They may be the underdog in this game, but at that moment Oregon was the one against the ropes. Oregon affirms the fact being down can make you a very dangerous opponent, and rushes for an 85 yard touchdown. Oregon has too much on the line to let this game slip away.

I recently had the following quote as a status on my Facebook page,

‎"If you had one shot, one opportunity, to seize everything you ever wanted, one moment, would you capture it, or just let it slip..." Eminem

Most of my life I’d let it slip away. Perhaps because I was a middle child, I grew up avoiding fights (finding refuge in music and books), or trying to break them up. The house I grew up in bears the wounds of my efforts to stop conflicts, because sometimes telling people in the middle of a fight to calm down just doesn’t suffice. Avoiding confrontation led me to become a shadow, withhold opinions, and be derogatorily called a milquetoast because I wouldn’t accept the bait of an argument.

As I withdrew and became submissive I never could be called a dangerous opponent. But, in my heart I was a fighter. My hidden desire to be a boxer, strutting around the ring in red gloves like a calculative pacing tiger, rushing in with eyes wide open, striking with deadly strength and precision revealed my true nature.

For the past several years I have basked in the cool confidence of someone who knew what they wanted. I was willing to work hard, sacrifice my pride and heart, and risk believing I was worthy of my dreams to call for the ball to make the last shot for the win. I was ready to seize everything I ever wanted, as though I deserved it, as though it was my right to succeed, to obtain happiness.

One of my Facebook friends responded to my quote with this, “I'd let it slip and then catch it to increase the audiences tension.”

I smiled as I read that, because I wish I had that self-assurance today. The past few months have shaken my confidence. But, this time there it isn’t anyone else who is pushing me against the ropes, this time my opponent is myself. And I have to reach deep within myself to find if I have the resilience and conviction to seize what I’ve always wanted, or let some dreams slip away. I have to decide which battles to accept, and which to forfeit. Live life in the light or in the shadows. The line is thin, and the choice is mine.

Sometimes our desires are conflicted because we can’t always have our cake and eat it too. But, the choice is still ours.

What have you seized? What have you let slip away?

Do you have regrets for either choice?

Melinda

"Don't forget what happened to the man
who suddenly got everything he ever wanted....

he lived happily ever after."

Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

With much gratitude,

2010-11-24T22:09:00.000-08:00

I was struggling with a Thanksgiving post, pity shadowing the blessings in my life so that I had to look deeply, beyond the anger, disappointment, and sadness that seems to lie underneath it all these days...and as I glimpsed one ray of goodness, another kept appearing, until I felt as though I was basking, open armed with honesty and vulnerability, in the warm comfort of a summer sun. I am truly blessed.

For all of these I am thankful ~

Merran ~ She is my anchor and confidant, my best friend. She makes me live bigger and braver.

Those no longer with me ~ Though your absence makes my heart ache, you live within my essence. Your love and presence helped shape who I am today, and for that I offer my endearing thanks. To steal a line from the author, J. Foer, “Why didn't I learn to treat everything like it was the last time. My greatest regret was how much I believed in the future." Forgive me for taking time for granted. Someday I may find the strength to forgive myself.

My immediate family ~ Even though we don’t see each other often, I treasure our times together for Race for the Cure, Gingerbread House Day, and Thanksgiving.

My extended family ~ The Duttons, Chase, Aunt Chris, Laura, Nancy, Judi ~ what can I say, I love each one of you. Your friendship to me and my family through all the years is immeasurable.

My other family members ~ Yes, Jeff, Justin, and The Boys.

My “real” friends ~ There aren’t many, but they know me well enough to know that even when I go weeks without checking in to say hi, I still treasure their friendship, and these days, if invited will pretty much be game for anything. This is something I learned the hard way, as in my past I have lost soul sister type friends because I withheld myself.

My writer, Facebook and Bodyspace friends ~ I have met so many people this year in classes and online, and I treasure their kindness, inspiration, and motivation. My world is so much bigger than my physical location, and I am a richer person because of it.

My employment ~ It may not be a dream job but it is a good job, and it gives me freedom, and gave me the ability this year to travel and expand my horizons. Charleston, I can still hear you calling...don't worry, I will be back.

The roof over my head ~ My family room that echoes with the memories of Merran and her friends’ laughter, my bedroom where I love to spend lazy Sunday afternoons, my prayer rug and the Patton sword, all of the art I’ve brought home from my travels, my weight room and punching bag, the bathtub where I relax and read, and the music that fills the empty spaces, waking me in the morning with danceable energy, and soothing my soul in the evenings.

Food in my fridge/cupboards ~ The fresh asparagus, mushrooms, chicken lettuce wrap mixings, backyard fresh eggs, golden hominy, old fashioned oatmeal, Rooibos tea, and rich chocolate flavored whey protein that make delicious pseudo healthy blended mochas.

My health ~ Feeling strong feels danged good.

My dreams and hopes ~ This year they have soared as high as they faltered, brought as much ecstatic happiness as disappointment, and while they have made me doubt myself and my entire purpose, they also have made me look at myself in new ways, and I’m discovering who I really am, where I want to go in life, and what I want my life to represent.

God ~ Despite my doubts and anger, and my difficulty with trusting and finding myself worthy, I long for so much more. I am finding my way back to faith.

Have nice Thanksgiving and accept the many blessings that come your way. And, please, never become too busy for love. Its honesty doesn't come around very often, and if you can hold onto it, for even just a moment, recognize it for the blessing that it is, and be glad.

Melinda

What Now? Part Two

2010-11-21T09:31:00.000-08:00

Train

Strong body/strong spirit

Write

Find the story within the story

Discover

Become a Certified Personal Trainer & Fitness writer

Build

Strength for the Journey; Forging Faith and Fitness

Clean House

Literally

Sell House

Take a deep breath and feel the weight of freedom.

Trust

God with all I do.

Leap.

Leap of courage

Leap of joy

Leap of faith.

Leap.

Friday Night

2010-11-19T20:08:00.000-08:00

It's Friday night. Eight o'clock. And I'm in bed. I'm bored, disappointed, sad, pissed off, restless, confused, eager, angry, edgy, slightly hopeful but still disillusioned, frustrated, tired of so many things, and I can't shake any of these feelings.

This is what I want to do right now (the scream or the passion.) Either would help. I'm sure.

Stuck in Second Gear

2010-11-19T18:38:00.000-08:00

When my daughter was born, we bought our first brand new car. It was a red Jeep Cherokee, and we loved that it had less than 100,000 miles on it. I liked that it wasn’t a three quarter ton pick-up or a four door cruiser the size of a Lincoln. Now perhaps I’d actually be able to parallel park. But, soon our joy turned to frustration and anger, as we discovered it would get stuck in second gear. Nothing is worse than being stuck in a speed that was hesitant and lagging.

I have felt like that for the past 6 years.

There are five common stages of grief, and I am stuck in anger ~ stage two. Second gear. I am not angry at anyone, no, I can easily justify human behavior, I am angry at God. And it gets old. Just when I start to move beyond this stage (pretty much skipping bargaining, which some feel happens at the same time as anger) reaching into depression (reflection, loneliness), longing for that free flying fifth gear of acceptance, someone in front of me slams on their brakes and I am back to first gear.

First gear doesn’t last long for me anymore. It did when my mom died. I crawled in first gear ~ denial ~ for a year or more, refusing to even allow myself to cry, until two distinct events hit me, jarring me into second gear as effectively as if I was rear ended, forcing me into a speed I wasn’t prepared for. With the sudden pain, and outpouring of tears, I was jolted into the stage of anger, and I am stuck.

It isn’t just my parents dying that have caused me grief. Merran went to college. My relationship with my sister disintegrated. Dreams faltered. Friends came into my life, and disappeared. Hope moved away and didn’t leave a forwarding address. A timeline of absence and grief, as though I am driving in circles around a track that has carefully spaced speed bumps. Just when I get far enough from one to build up enough speed to launch me into third gear – a peaceful moment of reflection and loneliness, just when I am starting to see the blue sky beyond the rain, I round a corner and BAM! Another speed bump and I quickly down shift into second gear.

Perhaps if I am careful, if I don’t let anyone else into my life for awhile, if I lay low, I can ease up my speed, and with a hopeful heart take the speed bumps faster than advised. Sad, but true, that I long to let go of my anger at God, let go of my endless tirade of unanswerable questions, let go of the need of constant motion to relive my anxiety, give my punching bag a vacation, to rest in stage three for awhile, to spend my weekends in bed, reflecting and lonely, but calm and friends with God again, letting the Jill Scott song, Good Morning Heartache, be my new anthem.

Melinda

Half Hour of Healing

2010-11-15T17:54:00.000-08:00

Hot bath, good music, a few tears, a half hour of healing…

Let Go – PJ Morton

“As soon as I stop worrying / Worrying how the story ends
When I let go and I let God / Let God have His way
That’s when things start happening / When I stop looking at back then
When I let go and I let God / Let God have His way…”

Things I’d never do – Darius Rucker

“What have I done
In my hands
Thinking 'bout a lot of things
I wish that I could change
It's sad, sad but it's true
I've done a lot of things
A whole lot of things
I'd never do.”

Cross the line- John Legend

“Only just a friend, the love story begins
Now here's a happy ending to believe in
You're always down for me
Now you're with me in my dreams
It's got me wondering if you ever dream of me
I don't wanna risk losing everything
But I'll take the chance
And tell you what I'm thinking.”

This year’s love – David Gray

“This year’s love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
I've been waiting on my own, too long
When you hold me like you do
It feels so right, oh now
Start to forget how my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feelin' like I can't go on.”

The Blessing - Ashley Cleveland

“See into your fears where every dream has disappeared,
Destiny is waiting here, baby, do not be denied,
Well, it’s all for the blessing, all for the blessing now.”

I hate that I love you so - Rihanna & Ne Yo

[Rihanna:]
“And I hate how much I love you boy (yeah...)
I can't stand how much I need you (I need you...)
And I hate how much I love you boy (oh whoa..)
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you so (oh..)”

Underneath it All - Big Daddy O

"Underneath it all
I’ll find my smile and I’ll trust and believe
That there’s someone out there that will make me forget
That the two of us met in this life, and still here you are
Underneath it all."

No regrets – Gary Allen

“Well time and fate can't be controlled
You play the hand that you’re dealt
And the dice that you rolled
And who am I to question God anyway
Well these days when I look back
I know I’m blessed have been loved like that
I still miss her everyday

With no regrets
And peace of mind
Lived so much time in so little time
I’m so glad when she was here she was mine
From the day we met
To the night she left

I loved her
No regrets
From the day we met
To the night she left
I loved her
No regrets
No regrets
I loved her
With no regrets.”

The songs speak my mind, soothe my soul, make me realize my feelings are as old as time, and I don’t feel so alone.

Music is my refuge, always has been, always will.

Melinda

Turning Points

2010-11-14T12:34:00.001-08:00

Perhaps this is one.

Change is the constant, the signal for rebirth, the egg of the phoenix.

Christina Baldwin

I'm kind of excited to see what happens next, scared it won't be anything close to what I had hoped for, and even more afraid it will be nothing at all.

Melinda

What Now?

2010-11-12T21:03:00.000-08:00

The days are like the tide

Against my bare legs.

Cold and hard they crash,

Like a child demanding favor.

Then,

In a heartbeat the tide turns.

Tugging, pulling,

Luring me

Come…come…come…

Mired by uncertainty in the wet sand

Part of me longs to surrender,

Give up struggle, and thought,

And decision.

Let the waves carry me

Heavenward.

I turn my face to the sun

Close my eyes,

Raise my arms in offering,

Come…come…

Come…

And a child laughs,

Scampering in shrieks from the oncoming waves,

Faint music dances on the wind from the pier,

A couple, barefoot,

With rolled up jeans and tangled hands,

Stroll through the ocean's shallows

As though the waves don’t beckon,

And the spell is broken.

My heart is weary

As I turn from the sea.

Elevens

2010-11-11T19:45:00.000-08:00

At the 11th hour on the 11th day of the 11th month in 1918 the guns went silent. I wish that were true for today. Just this week more soldiers were killed, and today four more names were added to the wall at the Afghan-Iraqi Freedom Memorial in Salem, Oregon. They were all someone’s child. A child’s father or mother. Someone’s spouse. Someone’s grandchild.

We cannot forget that they are ours ~ all of ours.

Today, and until the last solider comes home, please hold them in your hearts, and offer them your prayers, until peace is ours.

Love Letter
Dedicated to the Soldiers, and the ones who love them.

This isn’t just another letter
Telling you of my day
How the nights are getting longer
How I’m sick of the rain
This letter is a testament, evidence, of my love
This is an I’m all alone and feeling blue
Love letter
Just for you.

There’s so much I want to say to you.
Remember you
Because sometimes I forget
Do we like the same movies?
Do we fight? Do we fit?
Do we sing the same love songs?
Do our mother’s get along?
It’s been so long.

This isn’t just another letter
Telling you of my day
How the nights are getting longer
How I’m sick of the rain
This letter is a testament, evidence, of my love
This is an I’m all alone and feeling blue
Love letter
Just for you.

I’ll wait a million phone calls,
I’ll wait a thousand suns
I’ll wait until each soldier hangs up his gun
I’ll wait long after everyone
Says I’m crazy to wait so long.
I’ll wait until the last poet
Writes the very last song.
I’ll wait that long.

This isn’t just another letter
Telling you of my day
How the nights are getting longer
How I’m sick of the rain
This letter is a testament, evidence, of my love
This is an I’m all alone and feeling blue
Love letter
Just for you.

This is a missing you, wishing you
Were here with me right now,
A loving you, a feeling blue
Can’t wait for you
I’ll wait for you
Love letter
Just for you.

M. Patton

The Wait

2010-11-06T21:42:00.000-07:00

I feel as though I am waiting,

Have been waiting forever.

Longing for the warm sea breeze to soar,

As though on wings of an angel,

Pure and hopeful,

To caress my bare skin,

Like a lover’s hand.

Once you glimpse heaven

Life as you have always believed to be true

Is been reduced to a lie.

I feel as though I am waiting,

Have been waiting forever.

“It is life in slow motion,

it's the heart in reverse,

it's a hope-and-a-half:

too much and too little at once.”

Rainer Maria Rilke

"How could I ever prepare for
an absence the size of you?"
adapted from Coastal Home by Mark Doty

LUUUKE. LUUUKE. LUUUKE...

2010-11-02T20:45:00.000-07:00

This is in memory of Maurice Lucas, "The Enforcer" a great man, and a great power foward, who passed away on October 31, 2010, and is now resting peaceful and painfree...shooting hoops in heaven.

LUUUKE. LUUUKE. LUUUKE. I remember chanting that name, as a young girl, at the 1977 NBA championship game, when the Portland Trailblazers brought the title to the Rose City.

Then later, one summer evening, at a Portland Fire game, my daughter, a young girl decked out in Fire gear, face painted and full of guts, apporached Maurice Lucas, where he sat courtside, beneath the hoops, watching the game. She had a WNBA ball that was near covered with signatures of the players. We pointed out Maurice and she hurried down for his autograph. We watched as he teased her, feigning to take the ball, as though she was gifting it to him, before signing his name and handing the ball back with a smile.

Memories like those aren't easily forgotten.

I hope they play basketball in heaven. Rest in peace, Maurice.

Happy Birthday, Grandpa

2010-10-31T20:18:00.000-07:00

Thinking of you, Grandpa Bill. Miss you.

Dedicated to Wild Bill ~

Wrestling with Settling

2010-10-31T16:30:00.000-07:00

I struggle with remaining who I am or being who I was meant to become. Especially on days like today. Usually I can fend off the melancholy that clings to my discontentment like a shadow until darkness falls. But today I am tired, sore, and frustrated with the knowledge that the grayness outside will last four or five more months, with only occasional cold and bright blue winter days.

Maybe it was because last night I went out. I attended a Halloween Dance sponsored by Soberfest, an AA group, with a friend. Assured that most people would be in costume, I spent the night before searching for who I would be. I haven’t dressed up in ages. Oh, sure, this year I have started wearing more dresses, and high heels, becoming a little bit of the person I had long hidden, but while that reveals a bit of who I am, costumes can reveal what we long to be…they can give us a freedom to safely disclose attributes we wish we had. You know, like Clark Kent becoming Superman.

I was a dark angel. And I liked it. Strong. Bold. Edgy. A bit of darkness. But still an angel.

Before the dance, a woman gave her testimony, and read these words, “There is bit of good in the worst of us, and a bit of bad in the best of us; we are all children of God and we each have the right to be here.”

Part of me wants to remain the person I am; the person who owns a house, pays her bills, kills the bugs, makes the decisions, and stays strong, but a bigger part of me wants to be the person I was meant to become. The person who actually leaves this town, instead of spending another 25 years longing to find my place in the world, the person who laughs more, the person who speaks her mind, who believes with conviction, who knows what she wants and is willing to believe it could be hers, who finally feels worthy, who is ready to believe in love.

The girl I was with last night left her husband a while ago. She said the love had left her marriage long before she did, but that she hadn’t realized it until she found herself attracted to another man. I have struggled with what makes it right to leave a marriage. How can you make a decision in youth and expect it to be the right decision for you at 40? If you grow apart, if the love fades to fondness, if the attraction disappears and the regret creeps into your thoughts, do you still stay out of affection, loyalty, and commitment to your vows, knowing that you are sentencing two people to a life without the love God intended us to share with another, or do you part ways?

While In Charleston I met a man who told me a story of his relationships. He is now married to a woman he wished had been the mother of his children. And while he feels THIS woman was the one God intended him to spend his life with, he still regrets not being able to make his marriage with his first wife work. Though he did not feel it was God’s will that he marry his first wife, because he took the vow of marriage he felt it was his Christian duty to stay, but his ex-wife felt differently, and she took the decision out of his hand, leaving him. He is joyful now, with the woman he believes God intended for him, yet he still regrets the failure of his first marriage.

Which is right? Staying out of commitment to your vows without the love, or freeing each other to find someone who shares their destiny?

I looked around at the people at the dance last night, and wondered why I didn’t search for potential partners. I have been alone six years. People I know who were divorced years after me are now remarried. My daughter wishes I’d find someone. I look (sort of) I just don’t look seriously. Perhaps I am too particular with what I want. Perhaps I am scared that I don't have what it takes to have a lifelong relationship. Perhaps it is my destiny to be alone.

I do know I am afraid to settle. When I find someone, I want a companion who loves me unconditionally. The kind of love that makes you want to shout it from the rooftops, the kind of love that twenty years later can still be seen by strangers when they see you look into each other’s eyes across a table at a crowded restaurant. I also want a champion; someone who supports my dreams and encourages me to be the best version of me I can become. And, I want to give all of that to someone!

So, that is the dilemma, do I stay; be the person I am today, find a nice man, settle down here and live an ordinary life, always wondering what could have been?

I considered being a superhero last night. But I like the dark angel. There is a bit of good in the worst of us, and a bit of bad in the best of us; but we are all children of God.

I'm not going to settle.

With Blessings and Boldness,

Melinda

goin' to Carolina in my mind...

2010-10-21T19:51:00.000-07:00

"...With a holy host of others standing 'round me

Still I'm on the dark side of the moon

And it seems like it goes on like this forever

You must forgive me

If I'm up and goin' to Carolina in my mind..."

James Taylor

Oh, I'm missing the sunshine,
Missing what I left behind.
Missing what I wish...could be mine...

Sigh...

I'm going to Carolina in my mind.

I am truly blessed today ~

2010-10-19T21:14:00.000-07:00

What if my idea to create a community

where members encourage one another

to build strong and healthy bodies for Christ

is foolish?

What if it is only a smoke screen

distracting me from my true purpose?

What if I fail?

These doubts

Keep trying to sneak into my mind.

Who am I to have a God-sized vision?

I am nobody.

I don't deserve the feelings of joy

that right now, at this moment, make me tingle

with excitement and anticipation

and fear...

Who am I?

I am nothing.

But God is everything.

Strength for the Journey; Forging Faith and Fitness

With Blessings and Boldness,

Melinda

Stepping Out In Faith

2010-10-16T22:53:00.000-07:00

I passed two hitch hikers on my way to town this morning, just where Turner Road travels beneath Interstate Five. And as I passed I instantly thought ~ you know, my Jeep is big enough for them and their packs. Yes, they had BIG packs. And they looked harmless enough. She looked like a little hippie. He was clean cut. So I turned around, stopped in the middle of the road, asked where they were headed, and invited them in.

While I always have the desire to help, I don’t usually have that kind of courage. They were traveling to the Amtrak station, and were grateful they didn’t have to walk the last four or five miles. Could they have overpowered me, kidnapped me, taken my car, killed me? Sure. But it felt good helping. They seemed like nice kids.

I read another chapter in Wild Goose Chase this afternoon, part of my rationed reading. It is one of the most profound inspirational books I have read, so I am not letting myself scarf it down in one setting.

Today’s chapter? "Good Old-Fashioned Guts". Good timing, huh? Once again I tagged page after page for future reference. The author, Mark Batterson, reminds us that we need a vision for our life; to start living by design, to start playing offense. To live according to the biblical proverb, “Where there is no vision, the people perish.”

The one thing I have been missing in my faith and fitness journey is community. I have discovered that while my family and friends encourage me in my weight loss, they don’t necessarily understand my desire and dedication to continue eating clean and gaining muscle. And while some people understand my fitness drive, they don’t necessarily adhere to my faith values.

So, my vision? It is the creation of an online community in the forging of faith and fitness, where people can gather to encourage one another to maximize their God-given potential in creating strong bodies for Christ.

To see more about my vision, visit Strength for My Journey, my blog on becoming spiritually and physically strong.

To see my Vision in Action, visit my new Facebook page. We’d love you becoming part of our community.

Stay tuned for more leaps of faith…I think I’m on a roll!

With blessings and boldness,

Melinda

Velvet and Lace

2010-10-08T16:30:00.000-07:00

I stood in the ocean, feeling the sand and waves gently beckon ~ Stay! Stay! And, as I walked away I felt as though I was saying good-bye to a life that was meant to be mine.

“Live life more like an action figure and less like a spokesperson.” Bob Goff

I have been living as a spokesperson for my life, safely speaking of my dreams and longings but failing to act.

On the beach I prayed for courage, prayed for the feelings of worthiness that would allow me to stop accepting mediocrity for my life and seek a life where my light could shine and be added to the sum of lights, prayed for guidance, prayed for trust. And when no voice shouted down from the heavens, and no gentle whisper from the Holy Spirit penetrated my soul, I accepted that the only thing I was going to hear was the crashing of the waves, the squeals and laughter of children, and the faint music from the pier. And I opened the book I was reading, Juliet, Naked, by Nick Hornby, and within moments read these two passages,

“I’m sure that if you put any two random strangers in a room together and got them to talk about their lives, all sorts of patterns and themes and opposites would emerge, to the extent that it would look as though they hadn’t been chosen randomly at all. For example: you have too many children who you don’t know, and it’s making you unhappy. I have none, and I don’t think I will have any, and that’s making me unhappy…So all the time I’ve spent with the man that I’m not having children with is starting to look like all the time you’ve spent drinking and not making albums. Neither of us will get that time back. And yet, agonizingly, it’s not quite too late either.”

The next passage was a bit of dialogue ~

“’I don’t want to be quite content with my unhappy, boring, frustrating marriage. I want more.”
“You said you don’t want to be quite content?”
“Yes. With. A. Rubbish. Life…The context is important.”
“But people who are quite content don’t have a rubbish life.”

I understand that the passage would mean more in the context of the story, but I highlighted the parts that struck me. I won’t get any of the time from my past back, but it’s not too late to grasp for more. I am not a bad person for wanting more.

When asked, I’ve admitted I was content with my life. Not always happy, but content. And I thought that was good enough. But the truth of the matter is if I was content with my life I wouldn’t be unhappy. If I was content with speaking of my dreams in lieu of actively pursuing them, I would not be struggling over my purpose. If I was content with my job, I would not feel professionally unfulfilled. If I was content with where I lived, I would not long to run away. If I had been content with the 16 years of my marriage, I would not have needed to walk away.

All this time I have been accepting mediocrity, allowing myself to be shackled by my fear of the unknown, by my willingness to believe my life wasn't worthy of more, by my fear of disappointing other people (and God), and to appease myself I had covered the shackles with velvet and lace and called them contentment.

This revelation became so clear today. It was kind of like what happens when you buy a new car and suddenly you see that kind of car everywhere. I was contemplating my contentment with my life, and whether I’d ever have the courage to choose more for my life, and suddenly I am reading a book I purchased months ago addressing that very topic, and when I read Facebook a couple of hours later found two quotes with similar themes (the quotes in this post.)

“Only faith and conviction empower your dreams, and not the horrors of mediocrity, to unfold. The future's a decision, you choose today.”Scott Sonnon

Perhaps God doesn’t always shout down from the heavens when He wants to get His point across. Perhaps the Holy Spirit doesn’t always nudge our soul. Perhaps He speaks to us individually in language we understand. For me He speaks in words of fiction, quotes, and music.

Guess (once again) it is time to pay attention.

With blessings and boldness,

Melinda

Let her fly..

2010-10-05T06:21:00.000-07:00

"Our soulmate (or soulplace) is the one who makes life come to life." Richard Bach

I leave Charleston today with sadness…

I had been afraid that my expectations for my visit to Charleston would lead to disappointment. They didn’t. I love the city. I love walking the streets in the Historic District, amazed at every turn by ~

~ Imposing churches of every denomination whose steeples rise majestic into the blue sky.
~ The quiet stillness of a graveyard; in particular the overgrown “secret garden” aura of the one alongside the Unitarian Church.
~ The narrow and simple yet unexpected walkways, most behind wrought iron gates, between the historic buildings.
~ The savory delights of the seafood at the local restaurants.
~ The peacefulness of the waterfront park.
~ The melancholic sound from the trumpeter who plays each evening on Meeting Street.
~ The nearness of the sea.
~ The cadence of church bells echoing throughout the city.
~ The hominy grits, the sea wall along The Battery, the architecture, King Street.

Did Charleston satisfy my every anticipation? Almost…Sadness is there too, for the possibilities not realized. It is as though I will leave a piece of my heart behind today, as I drive from the city.

But, I suspect one day I will return, for this city touched my soul. How lucky I am to have had something that makes saying goodby so hard.

With Blessings,

Melinda

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right…and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."~ Marilyn Monroe

And, to honor the mood of my leaving, here's a bit of something from one of Charleston's favorite sons ~

Shine

2010-10-04T18:21:00.000-07:00

For those I love...

"Let them shine on.
Come on, let them love...

...Hold them close, let them know they'll get through the night
Ordinary people could be a hero, don't blow out the light.
Let them shine.
Let them shine on.
Let them shine.
Let them shine on.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Let them shine on."

Love you all.

Anticipation

2010-09-22T20:59:00.000-07:00

“Whatever satisfies the soul is truth.”

Walt Whitman

My choice of Charleston as my next venture away from the ordinariness of home was not random. I had been lured by the words of Pat Conroy to the city frequented in his writing; writing I have been reading since his early work of The Water is Wide, through each heartbreakingly beautiful sculpted novel, down the court by his side in My Losing Season, cumulating with his latest work of art, South of Broad, in which Charleston herself appears as one of the main characters.

And it wasn’t only Pat Conroy who beckoned. I’ve listened to Darius Rucker since the release of the first Hootie and the Blowfish album in 1994, and am eagerly awaiting his new solo release next month. His voice is…mmmmm…smooth and sexy, and when I listen to his live version of Let Her Cry and hear him say, “Here’s a toast to my all time favorite city, Charleston, South Carolina”, I always think ~ THAT’S where I need to go. (Doesn’t hurt that he is also a Miami Dolphin fan.)

So, in honor of my belief that there are no coincidences…that all things happen for a reason…how could I refuse the lure of a city loved by two of my favorite artists?

And even though I fear allowing anticipation to take up residence, I am getting excited. I usually hate to get my hopes up. All my life promises have been made then snatched away, like a take back of a precious gift. I am so conditioned to being let down, that I am always poised, ready to duck the disappointment, ready to take the first shot. But this time I’m resisting. I am clenching my fists to fight back to the urge to start the negative self talk – the inner dialogue on how it will be too humid, that I’ll be bored and lonely (I am traveling alone and have very few plans), that that it will be nothing like I imagined. This time I am letting myself fill with excitement.

Besides, part of me wonders, will this city be the one? I know, not even too deep in my being, that there are places that my soul is searching for, longing for. Like soul mates, perhaps there are soul spaces, places we visit and feel like we’ve come home. From afar Charleston has whispered its name in my heart. Perhaps it will be the place that also satisfies my soul.

With Blessings and Boldness,

Melinda

"I wanted to become the seeker, the aroused and passionate explorer, and it was better to go at it knowing nothing at all, always choosing the unmarked bottle, always choosing your own unproven method, armed with nothing but faith and a belief in astonishment." Pat Conroy (The Lords of Discipline)

Right now, at this moment, I believe…

2010-09-18T18:09:00.000-07:00

…that my desires are within my grasp…that the happiness I long for could be mine. Tuna is grilling, asparagus sizzling. I just came out of the bath and when I flex in the mirror I see muscle is emerging. And it makes me smile. I dance across the room as Rock Me Gently comes over the speakers and even when it is followed by Only Love Can Break Your Heart I keep on dancing. Neil Young used to be able to bring me to tears quicker than any musician, but not tonight. Tonight there are no tears. Tonight I am a dancer. I am graceful. I am sexy. Tonight I am everything I want to be. And right now, at this moment, I am letting myself believe that happiness is something I can expect, that everything I desire is possible, that I am worthy – of love, and success, and joy. Pure, passionate, unbridled joy.

And it feels good.

Wanting, Part Two

2010-09-14T22:30:00.000-07:00

I am wanting again.

I want ~
A black Dodge Challenger (though a Charger would suffice.)
AND a Land Rover.
To be lighter (in pounds and spirit).
Muscle definition.
A story.
My story.
A smile just for me.
More than just pieces ~ of peoples lives, of glimpses
of my purpose, of success.
Direction. Purpose. Motivation.
A long ride on warm day, sunshine, sunglasses, sunny smile,
Someone in the passenger seat who makes me glad to be alive.
Faith in God, myself, love, dreams, happiness.
Laugher.
PDA.
Courage to let my light shine.
Passion for something bigger than my life.
Passion that doesn’t notice the passing of time.
Passion. Nice and easy. Nice and rough.
More music.
Less negativity.
A champion. A companion.
A signature walk. A signature dance.
A long late night talk with my mom filled with hot sweet tea,
Deep topics, and silly giggles.
To hear my dad’s laugher. To hear him tell me to drive safe,
Just one more time.
Good girlfriends who get together for girls weekends.
Running hand in hand, laughing, dancing in the rain.
Peace of mind.
More long, lazy Saturdays.
Fewer Sunday night blues.
Crazy, can’t get enough of you, you complete me,
With you I can do anything, kind of love.
Something worth fighting for.
To stand where sand meets the sea and feel the warmth of the sun on my face, the roar of the waves, cry of gulls, the taste of the ocean on my lips.
A long, steady embrace.
I want....sigh....

Just when you thought it was safe to go in the water...

2010-09-06T22:39:00.000-07:00

The movie Jaws was on television this morning, and immediately I was reminded of why swimming in the ocean makes me nervous.

I wasn’t going to spend all morning in my pjs watching television; I had planned to spend Labor Day being productive. But it is amazing how easily you can get sucked into watching a movie, even though your heart was racing at the first few notes in the opening credits, even though it scares you enough to make you think twice before diving into the ocean, just because, well, because it’s a very good movie, and good movies do that to you.

Life is like that though.

We can convince ourselves that we are so over our desire for the delicious sweetness of pastry, then when shopping in the early afternoon, on an empty stomach (see what getting sidetracked by Jaws did to me?), you come face to face with Dave’s Killer Bread “Sin Dawg”, The Ultimate Sinnamon Roll, and will power rolls over and plays dead, and into the cart goes the pastry. Granted it’s “healthy” pastry, but it is still pastry.

But, as a consolation to my moment of weakness, the rest of the cart was filled with vegetables. And the Sin Dawg was pretty danged good, you know, for being a “healthy” pastry, so it was worth lapse in judgment. I mean, I only allowed myself one small slice, and it wasn’t a Boston cream donut…but life is also like that…you can’t always have what you really want and you just have to take what you get. I wasn’t disappointed.

Melinda

Oops, I almost forgot...

2010-09-03T20:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes God reminds us of a simple truth,

“It’s not what you can do for Me; it’s about what I have done for you.”

This entire summer, until tonight perhaps, I had forgotten what He has done for me, what He does for me every day…every moment. Like the above quote by Mark Batterson, in Wild Goose Chase, he also reflects… “That it is possible God says every morning, ‘Do it again’ to the sun; and every evening, ‘Do it again’ to the moon. The repetition in nature may not be a mere recurrence; it may be a theatrical encore.”

I almost forgot, and tonight remembered:

~ The love of a late summer drive, near dusk…

~ A country road; straight straights and lazy curves.

~ Window down; the wind like fingers, playfully tousling my hair.

~ A loud radio and the unashamed, joyful acceptance, to sway along with the beat.

~ Inhaling the aroma of fresh cut mint so strong I could taste its tangy, mouthwatering sweetness.

~ An impressionist artist’s sky of translucent summer blue with swirls of white cirrus clouds, reflections of pink and orange, tinges of grey framed by a deep eggplant hued horizon.

~ Ahhhh…

I forgot the bliss of God’s encore, and the heavy sigh contentment that feels like laughter shared by good friends.

Well done, I say, well done.

Shine On and Stay Strong!

Melinda

Feels like home...

2010-08-26T19:40:00.000-07:00

Another day, another longing, another song...

Merran and I were talking last night about what life has been like for me since she's moved out. I tell her some of it has been good, but that some days lately I look around at the emptiness and wonder, is THIS all there will ever be?

Perhaps we always long for that idea of something that feels like home ~ a person, a house, a town, God... Something or someplace where our soul feels at peace. But, perhaps no matter how full our life is here we can never find it, like it is something golden just beyond our reach. Perhaps that is what heaven is...

But personally, I hope to find a piece of that heavy sigh contentment here...

That someday I'll drive into some town, take a deep breath of the air, feel the wind against my face, and know that was where I've always belonged.

That I'll find a home that makes me feel like I did as a child, eager to run through that front door, calling out, "I'm home!", certain of everything, certain of the love contained within the walls.

That someday I'll walk into someone's waiting arms and feel like I've finally arrived home.

peace ~

Melinda

Cleaning House

2010-08-21T15:36:00.001-07:00

I woke up the other morning; glanced around my house, and wondered where I’ve been all summer. It’s in dire need of a good thorough spring cleaning – a season late. I need to raise up the window blinds, get out the elbow grease, and let some sunshine into my life. I need to put my shoulder to the furniture and clean every crook and cranny. I need a weekend of treks to the dump with last season’s clothes…discarded mementos from ages past that it’s time to let go of...the trash that’s cluttered up my garage…my life…my mind. I need a fresh outlook. I need deep breath of cleanliness. I need to wash that man right out of my hair! (Ok, corny I know, but that phrase has been jingling in my mind all day!)

Ever realize how sometimes the things we hold onto only serve as chains to keep us from being able to move forward? Like a shirt that smells of a long lost boyfriend, like letters written in the familiar hand of one we love, I collect emails. I re-read the words, re-imagine the conversations, remember the moments the words were conjured, and still feel every speck of happiness, of love, of frustration, of sadness. They are my time machine. And they clutter my memory, they weigh me down, just a constant reminder of what is lost. They hold me captive and I’ve struggled long enough. God help me, it’s time for a superhuman surge of strength to break free, no hold barred, no mercy, no second thoughts…it’s time to take a deep breath, and make friends with that delete key.

It is time to clean house.

With Blessings and Boldness (and the idea of making NEW memories...)

Melinda

"It's hard to wait for something that might never happen, but sometimes it's harder to give up."

*8/23/10 Update ~ deleting emails is harder than cleaning house. I allowed myself to keep one "box" of email momentos...Perhaps someday I'll be strong enough to let them all go. Current goal: clean house by Labor Day, to start the fall fresh and new!

*8/25/10 Update ~ I wish out of sight really did mean out of mind...

even I'm getting tired of useless desires...

2010-08-12T20:54:00.000-07:00

Guess these days songs best speak my mind...of course, what's new? Music still is (always is) my refuge.

"Useless Desires"
Patty Griffin

Say goodbye to the old street
That never cared much for you anyway
The different-colored doorways
You thought would let you in one day
Goodbye to the old bus stop, frozen and waiting
The weekend edition has this town way overrated

You walk across a baseball field
The grass has turned to straw
A flock of birds tries to fly away from where you are
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye old friend
I can't make you stay
I can't spend another ten years
Wishing you would anyway

How the sky turns to fire against a telephone wire
And even I'm getting tired of useless desires

Every day I take a bitter pill that gets me on my way
For the little aches and pains
The ones I have from day to day
To help me think a little less about the things I miss
To help me not to wonder how I ended up like this

I walk down to the railroad track and ride a rusty train
With a million other faces I shoot through the city veins
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye old friend
You wanted to be free
Somewhere beyond the bitter end is where I want to be

How the sky turns to fire against a telephone wire
And even I'm getting tired of useless desires

Say goodbye to the old building
That never tried to know your name
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye old friend
You won't be seeing me again
Goodbye to all the windowpanes shining in the sun
Like diamonds on a winter day
Goodbye, goodbye to everyone

How the sky turns to fire against a telephone wire
Burns the last of the day down
And I'm the last one hangin' around
Waiting on a train track, and the train never comes back
And even I'm getting tired of useless desires....

****

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye old friend
I couldn't make you stay
Beneath the pain and foolish hopes
I don't regret a single day...

~ Mel

New Blog ~ Strength for my Journey

2010-08-02T20:46:00.000-07:00

I find I'm in need of purpose, direction, (and yes, distraction from the disappointment and discontent I've been feeling these past few months...this year...)

In order to bring focus to my life, I decided to bring focus to my writing. So, I am recommitting myself to my spiritual and physical journey. My new blog is going to be reflective of the path I want to travel ~

Strength For My Journey: becoming spiritually and physically strong

My mission for the new blog is to provide a place to explore, encourage and engage in spiritual and physical strength.

I envision posting about my personal journey in becoming stronger - inside and out - and the resources that help me find my way. I hope it will be a place to visit to get ideas and motivation on how to find your own personal strength.

I am not abandoning THIS blog (I don't think), and it will remain a place I can reflect on all aspects of my continued journey through life.

With Blessings and Boldness,

Melinda

Life is an evolution...

2010-07-26T18:37:00.000-07:00

My first blog entry was July 26, 2008. Two years ago. And I think it's time for a change.

This has been a good place to record and contemplate the baby steps I hoped to take in my solo journey to rediscover myself, after 18 years of being known for whom I belonged to ~ Mrs. Pearson... Merran’s Mom. I was suddenly someone more. Or so I hoped. At times I am exactly as I remember. At times I am nothing what I thought. But, this past month or so, I have been doing a lot of soul searching (and very little blog writing) and I have realized I can never truly know who I am, because I am continually evolving. And that’s okay. And I’m okay.

Instead of being disappointed I am not who I want to be, or where I want to be in my life, I’m going to give loving myself unconditionally a try.

I will always enjoy discovering my own idiosyncrasies, and will probably never lose my intrigue with personality tests in my desire to know what makes me tick, but I can never know myself completely because every person I meet, every song that resonates in my soul, every joy in my heart, every single scar makes me who I am.

So, at this very moment, who am I? I have discovered many things about myself these past couple of years. Except for a few things, not too much was surprising ~

I still have the same ideals, thoughts, and dreams I had when I was eighteen. (And if I've had the same dreams and desires THAT long, perhaps they were seeds planted in me at my creation and I should start taking them seriously.)
I am bolder than I realized, and still not as bold as I’d like to be.
I’m not great at having girl friends. Never have been.
God still boggles me. I really wish I could have the sincere, unwavering, never doubting faith of some people I know.
I am not as even keel as I thought. I have happy happy highs, and can’t get out of bed lows and sometimes they happen in the same day.
I miss doing things that are physically hard.
Music is my refuge. Always has been. Still is today.
I forgot that I can be sassy, am impatient, like muscle, and always set myself up for disappointment.
I collect quotes.
As a teenager I imagined getting in my car and driving to a new life. I still long to run away.
I miss the people who are no longer in my life so much that I’m not sure I want to let others in. But I probably will. I hope I will.

Lots of changes and yet everything is still the same. And I hate that.

Two years. 170 blog entries. I’m not sure where I’m going. Guess I’ll know when I get there.

"People say that what we're all seeking is a meaning for life. I don't think that's what we're really seeking. I think what we're seeking is an experience of being alive. . .of the rapture of being alive." Joseph Campbell

"I've fallen in love with the idea of living. Because we don't do what we want to do, do we? We do what we have to do and pretend that it's what we want to do...I have allowed myself to lead this little life, when inside me there was so much more. And it's all gone unused...Why do we get all this life if we don't ever use it? Why do we get all these feelings and dreams and hopes if we don't ever use them? That's where Shirley Valentine disappeared to. She got lost in all this unused life." Shirley Valentine

This is what I want...to really be alive...to be able to use all these feelings and dreams and hopes I've fallen in love with.

Welcome to my world

2010-07-08T19:41:00.000-07:00

Ever have one of those days (months) when you feel like you’re just going through the motions… That believing in ~ happily ever afters, dreams coming true, love, destiny, purpose, and GOD is just a bunch of hogwash that you’re pretending to believe because it’s the “right/good” thing to do, and working out, eating clean(er), and trying to write something someone would buy is just a waste of time, and that if you have to smile and pretend for another second that you’re optimistic, happy and destined to succeed you’re going to scream (or cry/or both)?

Me too.

Guess all you can do is have faith that tomorrow you'll be strong enough to get out of bed, take a deep breath, and try again...that maybe someone will smile or give you a word of inspiration to keep you going when the shadow of sorrow/hopelessness/anger closes in.

It's just so hard sometimes giving a damn.

Yeah. And I was going to stop cursing too. Sigh.

"Sometimes I feel like I've never been nothing but tired, and I'll be walking till the day I expire. Sometimes I lay down, no more can I do, but then I go on again because you ask me to…" Patty Griffin